I've just recently slipped off the list of the top-10 fundraisers for the Michigan Breast Cancer 3-day. With the amazing amount of money that some people are raising for this event, I figured it was an eventuality, but I think my husband is probably not happy. You see, Bill should be on the list of top fundraisers for the Michigan Breast Cancer 3-day, because he raised almost all of our funds by contacting people tirelessly and spreading the word!
Personally, I've been waiting to send out additional requests for support, because I would like to be sure that some of my teammates have enough money to walk - especially people who are walking for the first time this year to join me. This year, I have with me my friends from high school, Therese and Sakura, friends from college Laurie and Nicole (coming in from Connecticut to walk!), friends who have daughters growing up with my Emma (Wendy, Becky, Kathy, Sherri), my sister-in-law Bonnie, Bill's cousin Melonie. My mother-in-law Sybil, and Bill's aunt Joann are walking again this year to support me also. Each of us has to raise at least $2,200, and to me, it doesn't make a difference if the money is donated to my friends or to my walk...it is all money being raised to do more research to find a cure for breast cancer!
I have to be honest and say that during these chemo days, I don't like to think about breast cancer very much, and so I haven't asked enough for support for this walk. It is a cause that is so important to me, though...I live every day now knowing that the 3 children upstairs having a crazy dance party each have a 50% chance of having the BRCA-1 mutation that I have. I need to be vigilant with their health, and I also NEED A CURE, I need more research done, and I need it now!
Please consider donating to this cause if you are able. If you choose to help one of my friends make their total, email me (pamlucken@gmail.com) so I can thank you copiously also! And if you want to donate to my walk, my husband will be SO PLEASED. He wants to much to make a difference this year, and every year, towards the study and cure of this disease which has changed our lives this year and will be a huge part of the rest of our lives. To see my name up there in the top 10 is a visual reminder for him that he is making a difference, with the help of all of our amazing family and friends.
7/23/08
Bald, with breast form, at the beach
We've just returned from a trip to the cottages (my parents have a cottage in Bayfield, Ontario, and Bill's parents have one in Grand Bend, Ontario)...we left the minute we were done with the swim team for the season. It ends up that being at the cottages is much more exciting for the kids these days than it is for me, and I have to say I am a little relieved to be home. I tried my best to make it fun for the kids - shoved the prosthetic breast form into my mastectomy bathing suit, put on my swim cap and swam in the waves with them - but the beach is just not the most wonderful place for a woman in my condition. I felt like a big weirdo, which I pretty much am, these days (and all days, but now it is just so much more evident). I am much more relaxed to be at home, bald and lopsided (even if it is a pit of despair of chores and cleaning-that-needs-to-be-done, because we left when I was just about over chemo yuckiness and hadn't yet totally recovered the house).
7/19/08
Overheard...a conversation between Barbie and Ken
Ken: "I have certain feelings for you."
Barbie: "So do I. Fix my arm!"
(Ken then puts Barbie's arm back into the socket.)
I like that Ken has certain feelings for Barbie, despite the fact that one of her arms is not consistently attached to her body...and I also have to say that Barbie's very matter-of-fact and even DEMANDING tone reassures me that my daughter expects the girl to get what she wants from the relationship, whatever the situation might be!
(conversation courtesy of Katie)
Barbie: "So do I. Fix my arm!"
(Ken then puts Barbie's arm back into the socket.)
I like that Ken has certain feelings for Barbie, despite the fact that one of her arms is not consistently attached to her body...and I also have to say that Barbie's very matter-of-fact and even DEMANDING tone reassures me that my daughter expects the girl to get what she wants from the relationship, whatever the situation might be!
(conversation courtesy of Katie)
Don't even think about listening to this latest "research"
I love my friend Ellyn because she is so much better (than me) at staying up-to-date on the latest breast cancer news and research, and then she informs others with her great blog. Just recently she discussed this article which has thrown me into a big, giant tizzy:Time just recently published an article discussing the latest research that maybe breast self-exams are not useful and - this is even worse - possibly even harmful to women.
I'm CRAZED with annoyance at this big, giant, piece-of-shit article and the research behind it. No, I don't think women need to go around feeling their breasts all the time and worrying about every little change. But, I do know that if I hadn't checked my own breasts, I'd be in some pretty serious trouble (much more so than I am in now, dealing with what I found). My tumor was a grade 3, triple-negative tumor, still smallish, still hadn't gone to the lymph nodes...but a tumor like that is serious business and would NOT have stayed that small for long. My breast surgeon was not surprised that it hadn't been found in an exam in November by myself and my gynecologist - even if it may have been around for a while as something very small, it could have grown substantially in just 3 months.
Women under 35 years old are not normally having yearly mammograms or breast MRIs - screening devices which can find breast cancer in its earlier stages. BUT, younger women are also much more likely to develop these more aggressive, grade 3, triple-negative tumors! I was sitting at chemo with a woman in her later 20s whose husband had found her 6cm breast tumor...now a stage III cancer which comes with a 5-year survival rate of somewhere between 37-60% (the percentages I find are all over the map). That tumor was not there for very long, either. Yes, I have the genetic mutation at the BRCA1 gene (but didn't know it...my grandmother on my father's side died of breast cancer but she had 6 sons. We didn't have any other breast cancer in my family history to clue me in, either.) BUT, this young woman does not carry the gene and still developed a serious breast cancer, very early in life.
The craziest part of the article noted that women who find lumps and then undergo further diagnostic testing (which may then prove that the tumor is benign) "often emerge with scars, breast deformities and emotional wounds." Can I just say, big F-ing deal? I'd just love to post a picture of my chest at this moment, which last night as I changed into my bathing suit on the boat (in the cabin) prompted my daughter to say "you wouldn't want anyone to see that, probably, as you have lots of scars around there" (as she made large sweeping motions indicating my ENTIRE torso)! Let me tell all of you, right now, just as I told her last night, "if you live long enough, you are going to get a few scars along the way, and I am happy with how I look." This chest is beautiful to me, because it is SAFE. This is still me, with no hair, a thousand scars, a deflated side of my chest, a crazy balloonish other side, and I am embracing the new scars that are coming. I'd take these scars ANY DAY to give me a prognosis which gives me a 5-year survival rate of somewhere between 88-98% (again, all over the map). And all of those women out there who get a little scar just to make sure that they are safe, should take that scar as a badge of courage, and love that scar because it says that breast cancer is not taking them away from their loved ones too early because they were not afraid to get it checked out.
So go ahead, lose some sleep, worry a little, get a few scars. Check yourself. Who cares if you find something that is benign? I have met more than a few women who found something, got it checked, it WAS benign, but they had breast cancer they didn't even know about in the other breast!!!! Go get checked if you feel something and then, I boldly suggest, ask for that diagnostic testing they say is so scary and unnecessary (because who really cares if it is unnecessary much of the time if you are that one person who they "think" has a benign tumor, you should just wait, but you find out later you actually have breast cancer? I know other women who fall into this category, too!). Do it because you want either the all clear, or something small enough to give you the best prognosis possible. Take it from me - you can get over lost sleep, worrying, and even the most giant scars. You wouldn't be able to get over missing your daughter's entire life because you were too afraid to check something out (or because you listened to this piece of shit article). At least I wouldn't.
I'm CRAZED with annoyance at this big, giant, piece-of-shit article and the research behind it. No, I don't think women need to go around feeling their breasts all the time and worrying about every little change. But, I do know that if I hadn't checked my own breasts, I'd be in some pretty serious trouble (much more so than I am in now, dealing with what I found). My tumor was a grade 3, triple-negative tumor, still smallish, still hadn't gone to the lymph nodes...but a tumor like that is serious business and would NOT have stayed that small for long. My breast surgeon was not surprised that it hadn't been found in an exam in November by myself and my gynecologist - even if it may have been around for a while as something very small, it could have grown substantially in just 3 months.
Women under 35 years old are not normally having yearly mammograms or breast MRIs - screening devices which can find breast cancer in its earlier stages. BUT, younger women are also much more likely to develop these more aggressive, grade 3, triple-negative tumors! I was sitting at chemo with a woman in her later 20s whose husband had found her 6cm breast tumor...now a stage III cancer which comes with a 5-year survival rate of somewhere between 37-60% (the percentages I find are all over the map). That tumor was not there for very long, either. Yes, I have the genetic mutation at the BRCA1 gene (but didn't know it...my grandmother on my father's side died of breast cancer but she had 6 sons. We didn't have any other breast cancer in my family history to clue me in, either.) BUT, this young woman does not carry the gene and still developed a serious breast cancer, very early in life.
The craziest part of the article noted that women who find lumps and then undergo further diagnostic testing (which may then prove that the tumor is benign) "often emerge with scars, breast deformities and emotional wounds." Can I just say, big F-ing deal? I'd just love to post a picture of my chest at this moment, which last night as I changed into my bathing suit on the boat (in the cabin) prompted my daughter to say "you wouldn't want anyone to see that, probably, as you have lots of scars around there" (as she made large sweeping motions indicating my ENTIRE torso)! Let me tell all of you, right now, just as I told her last night, "if you live long enough, you are going to get a few scars along the way, and I am happy with how I look." This chest is beautiful to me, because it is SAFE. This is still me, with no hair, a thousand scars, a deflated side of my chest, a crazy balloonish other side, and I am embracing the new scars that are coming. I'd take these scars ANY DAY to give me a prognosis which gives me a 5-year survival rate of somewhere between 88-98% (again, all over the map). And all of those women out there who get a little scar just to make sure that they are safe, should take that scar as a badge of courage, and love that scar because it says that breast cancer is not taking them away from their loved ones too early because they were not afraid to get it checked out.
So go ahead, lose some sleep, worry a little, get a few scars. Check yourself. Who cares if you find something that is benign? I have met more than a few women who found something, got it checked, it WAS benign, but they had breast cancer they didn't even know about in the other breast!!!! Go get checked if you feel something and then, I boldly suggest, ask for that diagnostic testing they say is so scary and unnecessary (because who really cares if it is unnecessary much of the time if you are that one person who they "think" has a benign tumor, you should just wait, but you find out later you actually have breast cancer? I know other women who fall into this category, too!). Do it because you want either the all clear, or something small enough to give you the best prognosis possible. Take it from me - you can get over lost sleep, worrying, and even the most giant scars. You wouldn't be able to get over missing your daughter's entire life because you were too afraid to check something out (or because you listened to this piece of shit article). At least I wouldn't.
7/17/08
A statement from the Cub
Me: "Cubby, do you have a poopy?"
Nathan: "Yes. It's a big one. In my butt."
(I'm so glad for the clarification.)
Nathan: "Yes. It's a big one. In my butt."
(I'm so glad for the clarification.)
My poor little brain
Although I heard about "chemo brain", I really have tried to stay positive and to not give too much credit to the idea of it. I didn't want to be psychosomatic, or to really allow for "chemo brain" to be an excuse. I want to really LIVE during this period of my life, not lie around and wait for it to pass, and I want to be able to look back and remember from this summer just as many good times as there were hard times.
But, chemo brain did creep up on me, at least today in my email inbox! I was a little disturbed by the intrusion in my normal life...during these days when I still feel the effects of chemo I like to pretend as much as I can that I never even had a treatment (a week ago) and move forward as quickly as I can. Once my side effects go away (like when food tastes how it would normally taste, or when I don't get so tired with everyday life*), then I can go back to reading or thinking about breast cancer or chemo or larger issues. But, it was interesting to read the article, even if the timing in my inbox was not appreciated!
As with plenty of articles I read about research being done, I said, "duh!" (in my seventh grade voice). Of course there IS chemo brain, even if I don't want to admit it to myself. As a chemo girl, I can attest that it exists. Since chemo, it is a daily occurrence that I say one word when I mean another. At the drug store, I asked for ear drums instead of ear plugs. Today I told Emma to put Nathan's toast on a piece instead of a plate. And the WORST is when I am talking to someone I know, and use the wrong name for one of their loved ones! Last night at the wonderful fundraiser-dinner for our 3-day team at bd's Mongolian Barbecue in Royal Oak, one of my very favorite girls on the swim team (and the daughter of one of last year's 3-day walkers) said hi to me and her name didn't come to me for a few seconds. I totally hate that.
It happens so much, (and I know it happens to all people, busy people, and not cancer patients) but the difference between how it felt before and how it feels post-chemo is that now I can actually FEEL my brain working so hard to get to that word. I'm really trying to get to it! It's not me just not putting enough time or effort into saying the right thing, because I am trying harder than ever to put in that time and effort.
I try to not dwell on these mistakes, not because I want to call it "chemo brain" and laugh it off. It's not really something I can laugh at, because I want so much to be regular and to do the right thing. I try to let it go because I am trying to be less high strung in all ways than I was before. My poor husband might not realize this, because I yell at him as much as before! But Bill, haven't you noticed that even if I yell as OFTEN as before, I am not yelling for as LONG? I really am trying! But sometimes I forget to try because I have chemo brain. Ha ha.
*I definitely find that I am a little more tired for longer, after these later rounds of chemo. But, I also feel like I am getting better at it. I'm better at being more cheerful, I'm better at moving past the really bad days quicker...I just stay a little tired longer. So that for me just means that yesterday I only rowed about 3.5 miles on my rowing machine, and I took Tuesday off from exercising. I also think some of the tiredness is because I am not sleeping as well at night - I'm having some of the insomnia and hot flashes of chemo-induced menopause. Last night I took my first sleeping pill ever, though, and slept all the way through the night (and I haven't done that in probably 9 years, since kids I wake up several times a night for who knows what reason).
But, chemo brain did creep up on me, at least today in my email inbox! I was a little disturbed by the intrusion in my normal life...during these days when I still feel the effects of chemo I like to pretend as much as I can that I never even had a treatment (a week ago) and move forward as quickly as I can. Once my side effects go away (like when food tastes how it would normally taste, or when I don't get so tired with everyday life*), then I can go back to reading or thinking about breast cancer or chemo or larger issues. But, it was interesting to read the article, even if the timing in my inbox was not appreciated!
As with plenty of articles I read about research being done, I said, "duh!" (in my seventh grade voice). Of course there IS chemo brain, even if I don't want to admit it to myself. As a chemo girl, I can attest that it exists. Since chemo, it is a daily occurrence that I say one word when I mean another. At the drug store, I asked for ear drums instead of ear plugs. Today I told Emma to put Nathan's toast on a piece instead of a plate. And the WORST is when I am talking to someone I know, and use the wrong name for one of their loved ones! Last night at the wonderful fundraiser-dinner for our 3-day team at bd's Mongolian Barbecue in Royal Oak, one of my very favorite girls on the swim team (and the daughter of one of last year's 3-day walkers) said hi to me and her name didn't come to me for a few seconds. I totally hate that.
It happens so much, (and I know it happens to all people, busy people, and not cancer patients) but the difference between how it felt before and how it feels post-chemo is that now I can actually FEEL my brain working so hard to get to that word. I'm really trying to get to it! It's not me just not putting enough time or effort into saying the right thing, because I am trying harder than ever to put in that time and effort.
I try to not dwell on these mistakes, not because I want to call it "chemo brain" and laugh it off. It's not really something I can laugh at, because I want so much to be regular and to do the right thing. I try to let it go because I am trying to be less high strung in all ways than I was before. My poor husband might not realize this, because I yell at him as much as before! But Bill, haven't you noticed that even if I yell as OFTEN as before, I am not yelling for as LONG? I really am trying! But sometimes I forget to try because I have chemo brain. Ha ha.
*I definitely find that I am a little more tired for longer, after these later rounds of chemo. But, I also feel like I am getting better at it. I'm better at being more cheerful, I'm better at moving past the really bad days quicker...I just stay a little tired longer. So that for me just means that yesterday I only rowed about 3.5 miles on my rowing machine, and I took Tuesday off from exercising. I also think some of the tiredness is because I am not sleeping as well at night - I'm having some of the insomnia and hot flashes of chemo-induced menopause. Last night I took my first sleeping pill ever, though, and slept all the way through the night (and I haven't done that in probably 9 years, since kids I wake up several times a night for who knows what reason).
7/16/08
Overheard
Upstairs...some grumblings from Emma, who's saying mean things about me since I disciplined her for sassing Katie.
Katie: "Don't you know, mom has breast cancer?"
Emma: "SHE DOESN'T HAVE BREAST CANCER!"
I'm glad my vociferous saying "I don't have breast cancer anymore, it is all out of me" has hit home...but it is a little sad I don't get credit for it anymore, either, at least with my kids!
Katie: "Don't you know, mom has breast cancer?"
Emma: "SHE DOESN'T HAVE BREAST CANCER!"
I'm glad my vociferous saying "I don't have breast cancer anymore, it is all out of me" has hit home...but it is a little sad I don't get credit for it anymore, either, at least with my kids!
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