So, for the first time since maybe February or March, I just googled breast reconstruction photos. Does that tell you how uninterested I was in this whole process? I can envision women poring over pictures, bringing them into the office, checking themselves out in the mirror, knowing EXACTLY what they want to look like, and excited to get their New Boobs. SO not me.
I didn't even care about my future size, or give ANY input into that process, either, except to say I was happy with whatever he thought would look best. After all, he's a PLASTIC SURGEON. His job is to reconstruct things to make them look good. Isn't a professional at looking good better at making that decision than a girl who tries not to look at the mirror at herself (even before breast cancer)?
I didn't even ASK the size, until my follow-up appointment today, and only because I thought I should know in case a future breast cancer survivor wants to know. It's a bit bigger than I expected, but again - I wanted him to make the decision, and I am happy that he did. Let the expert do what he does, and I will do what I do best (and that is not care about my breast size).
Anyway, today I looked up some reconstruction photos to gauge how I feel about nipple reconstruction. After I looked up some pictures, I have this to say - I am extremely glad I did not become a plastic surgeon dealing with breast reconstruction. I can appreciate why a surgeon would enjoy being a plastic surgeon - I saw mine taking pride in his work, thinking through the problems ahead, remembering how he pulled it off, embracing the challenges, mixing science with art... I just don't think I would feel like helping people who really cared a lot about what their breasts look like. It seems totally inane to me to care about breast appearance at all.
Yes, I liked my saggy little guys, but they had been so USEFUL...feeding kids and making milk for almost 4 years. I felt a little bond with them when they went so above and beyond the call of duty in that way. But aside from that, why care about breasts at all? (Don't tell me, I don't want to know, call me repressed but I don't work that way.) Moreover, how can any woman be consumed with the idea that hers aren't good enough and she needs to surgically alter them? Now, this is after a year with breast cancer...I would guess that I am even more detached than I would have been before breast cancer, but STILL.
I would say there are a lucky few people who have "perfect breasts", and they probably only have those "perfect breasts" for about 12 years (maybe age 16-28 or so?). Everyone else has breasts in various stages of disarray, flop, nipples pointing other ways, too big, too small, etc. It seems so weird to clamor for something that almost no one ever gets.
Anyway, here I am...with what will probably be nicer-looking things on my chest than I would have ever desired. Could there be a less appreciative girl on the planet for these "perfect breasts" though? I doubt it!
(I do have to say that even if I don't feel like I need such a nice chest, I am VERY APPRECIATIVE of my surgeon and his staff for the great care they took of me, for the conversations, and for really doing their very best. But, I did choose my surgeon because he is such a lovely person...in addition to being an great surgeon!)
1/21/09
The daily massaging sessions begin
Oh the things I didn't know about breast reconstructive surgery, which I now know!
Some tidbits:
*the "capsule" or I sometimes hear it called "capsular contracture" starts developing within 72 hours of the implant surgery. So, I need to massage myself (down and out, down and out) 4 times a day to break down the tissue a little bit. Not on the bottom, where you might not mind having the tissue...
*I'll be wearing "scar pads" for the next 3-4 months, for as much of the day as I see fit, but at least 8 hours and up to 23.9 hours (take them off to shower). These are to make the scars flatten and to fade.
*Yes, you still wear bras with good support after surgery, even with your entirely fake breasts, just because muscle weakens and all tissue can then sag.
*I'm still in the good old shove-it-all-in compression or sports bras, 24 hours a day, for another 2 weeks.
*wait at least 6 weeks for nipple reconstruction (I'm waiting until the fall. Why not? Let's ignore the chest for a little while and be done with procedures for a bit.) After that, 8-10 weeks until the "nipples" shrink as much as they are going to shrink for the tattooing. I'm still not convinced that my nice long lines across aren't good enough.
What I want to know is, can I go into Victoria's Secret and just tell them I have exactly 450cc on each side of my chest, and will they then find me the perfect bra? Because I really don't feel like figuring out what size that is, and I'd just like to stick to the medical sizing instead of back to the world of girl sizing.
Some tidbits:
*the "capsule" or I sometimes hear it called "capsular contracture" starts developing within 72 hours of the implant surgery. So, I need to massage myself (down and out, down and out) 4 times a day to break down the tissue a little bit. Not on the bottom, where you might not mind having the tissue...
*I'll be wearing "scar pads" for the next 3-4 months, for as much of the day as I see fit, but at least 8 hours and up to 23.9 hours (take them off to shower). These are to make the scars flatten and to fade.
*Yes, you still wear bras with good support after surgery, even with your entirely fake breasts, just because muscle weakens and all tissue can then sag.
*I'm still in the good old shove-it-all-in compression or sports bras, 24 hours a day, for another 2 weeks.
*wait at least 6 weeks for nipple reconstruction (I'm waiting until the fall. Why not? Let's ignore the chest for a little while and be done with procedures for a bit.) After that, 8-10 weeks until the "nipples" shrink as much as they are going to shrink for the tattooing. I'm still not convinced that my nice long lines across aren't good enough.
What I want to know is, can I go into Victoria's Secret and just tell them I have exactly 450cc on each side of my chest, and will they then find me the perfect bra? Because I really don't feel like figuring out what size that is, and I'd just like to stick to the medical sizing instead of back to the world of girl sizing.
Does anyone else think it is funny that my husband is corresponding with one of the people who is credited with discovering the BRCA2 genetic mutation?
And that this person said of my husband's analysis of my breast cancer "Your analysis seems well founded"?
If you don't think that is crazy, then do you think it is unusual that he has connected with a researcher who is extremely well-versed in all sorts of CAM therapies for cancer...who apologized for not being able to send him the CAM regimen for lung cancer instantly, who got permission to share the regimen with him, and sent it to him today, apologizing again for the delay?
And that this person said of my husband's analysis of my breast cancer "Your analysis seems well founded"?
If you don't think that is crazy, then do you think it is unusual that he has connected with a researcher who is extremely well-versed in all sorts of CAM therapies for cancer...who apologized for not being able to send him the CAM regimen for lung cancer instantly, who got permission to share the regimen with him, and sent it to him today, apologizing again for the delay?
1/20/09
Here's a new idea for me
I just wrote this and liked it. Can't promise it's original, but it is a sparkly new idea for me today...
Live your life how you want to live it...no apologies!
Live your life how you want to live it...no apologies!
1/19/09
Big Thank Yous
I'd like to direct your attention to the left of this page, to my ever-growing list of donors for the 2009 3-day.
On a day like today, when I am being slammed by cancer world again, it is SO HEARTWARMING to see my inbox report another donation! It gives me hope that even if I have to live in this world, maybe we are all doing something to make it a less scary place for others down the line.
So thank you to Kelly, Sylvia, and Jim, who gave me glimmers of hope on this not-so-entirely fabulous day in cancer world!!!!!!!!!!!!!
....
On a Pam note, the swelling is going down (looks less like big giant basketballs on my chest), and my port scar area is not shouting at me anymore. My sister is back on the road to Evanston, bless her heart...taking magic baby with her (he cures all misery, at least while he is around and smiling). My kids got into a big mess of Magic Sand with their mom, which was fun...and they will probably be so happy to be getting back to school tomorrow.
Whatever this year holds in store for us, I am glad to be done with my major things so that I can concentrate on others!
....
And last, maybe a gratefulness note to end with, to keep my eyes to the light - I love my family!
I love listening to Nathan sing the Thomas the Tank Engine song to himself.
I also love it when I am forced to open my eyes to something so obvious, courtesy of my children. This can be either literally (Nathan prying my eyes open, or someone talking and talking until I tune in...) or figuratively (helping me see that worries aren't the only thing in the world...there is laughter, and sandwiches to make, and poop to clean up, etc.). Today we have an example of the literal opening of the eyes. I was all in my own world, researching, calling cancer centers, etc. - totally ignoring Katie who was talking and talking to me. Finally I decide to appease her and tuned in: "Mom, know why I have this bandaid on my face?". So I looked at her absentmindedly, just to make her stop talking, and see that she has the biggest SpongeBob bandaid ever right in the middle of her face - just as an attention getter, of course...such a silly little peanut that Katie.)
On a day like today, when I am being slammed by cancer world again, it is SO HEARTWARMING to see my inbox report another donation! It gives me hope that even if I have to live in this world, maybe we are all doing something to make it a less scary place for others down the line.
So thank you to Kelly, Sylvia, and Jim, who gave me glimmers of hope on this not-so-entirely fabulous day in cancer world!!!!!!!!!!!!!
....
On a Pam note, the swelling is going down (looks less like big giant basketballs on my chest), and my port scar area is not shouting at me anymore. My sister is back on the road to Evanston, bless her heart...taking magic baby with her (he cures all misery, at least while he is around and smiling). My kids got into a big mess of Magic Sand with their mom, which was fun...and they will probably be so happy to be getting back to school tomorrow.
Whatever this year holds in store for us, I am glad to be done with my major things so that I can concentrate on others!
....
And last, maybe a gratefulness note to end with, to keep my eyes to the light - I love my family!
I love listening to Nathan sing the Thomas the Tank Engine song to himself.
I also love it when I am forced to open my eyes to something so obvious, courtesy of my children. This can be either literally (Nathan prying my eyes open, or someone talking and talking until I tune in...) or figuratively (helping me see that worries aren't the only thing in the world...there is laughter, and sandwiches to make, and poop to clean up, etc.). Today we have an example of the literal opening of the eyes. I was all in my own world, researching, calling cancer centers, etc. - totally ignoring Katie who was talking and talking to me. Finally I decide to appease her and tuned in: "Mom, know why I have this bandaid on my face?". So I looked at her absentmindedly, just to make her stop talking, and see that she has the biggest SpongeBob bandaid ever right in the middle of her face - just as an attention getter, of course...such a silly little peanut that Katie.)
1/17/09
Living with fear
I'm two days out of my "last" surgery...that means I should be happy, right? Well, darling internet, life has other ideas for me, apparently. As much as I would love to go into detail and pour my heart out, these details aren't mine to share, and the health worries aren't mine to share. And let me just say, it is SO SO SO much easier to be the patient than it is to not be the patient (at least for me). So though I would rather it be that I had my own health issues coming back, this time it's not me.
Anyway, I'm back to living with fear again...and I feel like I need a step-by-step program to get me through the next days ahead. I know hard things happen all the time to all sorts of people, but right now I feel like my family has been hit pretty hard by the universe in general - and that's no way to feel or to live. So Mrs. Lucken is going to try to look deeper, and live more committedly, which is going to be challenging given the days ahead.
Luckily I've got some great examples to learn from - people who have really lived their lives, set their goals, fit in hard work with lots of fun times, taken challenges and responsibilities that were really above and beyond what many of their peers might have had to face at that time in their lives. They've lived with great joy and purpose - more joy and purpose than I certainly have, thus far.
So in this period of waiting, and fear, and great love, I'm going to try harder to focus on goals, and rising to challenges, and above all, the little joys. Because again, I can't really control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it (or at least I hope I can!).
Anyway, I'm back to living with fear again...and I feel like I need a step-by-step program to get me through the next days ahead. I know hard things happen all the time to all sorts of people, but right now I feel like my family has been hit pretty hard by the universe in general - and that's no way to feel or to live. So Mrs. Lucken is going to try to look deeper, and live more committedly, which is going to be challenging given the days ahead.
Luckily I've got some great examples to learn from - people who have really lived their lives, set their goals, fit in hard work with lots of fun times, taken challenges and responsibilities that were really above and beyond what many of their peers might have had to face at that time in their lives. They've lived with great joy and purpose - more joy and purpose than I certainly have, thus far.
So in this period of waiting, and fear, and great love, I'm going to try harder to focus on goals, and rising to challenges, and above all, the little joys. Because again, I can't really control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it (or at least I hope I can!).
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