7/31/08
The best kind of morning
Nathan climbed up on the bed, put his arms around me and said, "Mommy, you're my best fwiend" and gave me a kiss. (It was his first time saying that to me...maybe I can always remember this day for THAT instead of chemo.)
7/30/08
This warrior's favorite song
I have about 400 "favorite songs", but I estimate I've listened to this particular song about 1000 times (only slight exaggeration) since my diagnosis...it was so perfect for my sad days ("now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone", "can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?") and it is even better for the moments leading up to my next chemo treatment (the whole chorus).
I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour and I,
started staring at the passengers waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?
chorus:
But I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
then I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to
I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come (right now)
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Its gone gone baby its all gone
there is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you
well its gone gone baby its all gone
there's no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you
I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come, again
let's see how far we go
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we go
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we go
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we go
(It's "How Far We've Come" by Matchbox 20...I'd thank them for the song except the thing is, it seems sort of like it is my own song now...)
I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour and I,
started staring at the passengers waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?
chorus:
But I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
then I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to
I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come (right now)
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Its gone gone baby its all gone
there is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you
well its gone gone baby its all gone
there's no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you
I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come, again
let's see how far we go
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we go
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we go
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we go
(It's "How Far We've Come" by Matchbox 20...I'd thank them for the song except the thing is, it seems sort of like it is my own song now...)
My Progress
Every time I log into my "Participant Center" on the3day.org, I see a little spot where I can click to see "My Progress". Today, on the eve of my last chemo treatment, I thought it would be fun to write down a few little notes about what I think "My Progress" has been since April 17, when I started my chemotherapy.
Since then, I have:
**And I should note, behind every exercising, gardening, fundraising, menopausal cancer patient with 3 active children is a very strong support system...thank you to my darling husband, Bill! (And all of my other helpers, especially Amy and Sybil on my hard days!)
Since then, I have:
- Raised almost $8,000 for the Breast Cancer 3-day (This isn't really my accomplishment, this belongs to the generosity of almost 100 donors to my walk!)
- Made some incredible friends, and reconnected with other wonderful friends
- Discovered the glories of menopause
- Walked or ran more than 327 miles (I forgot to record a few days)
- Rowed over 40 miles since May 13th, when I started erging again (an accomplishment since my breast surgeon said I wouldn't be doing any rowing this summer)
- Started a garden I'll always think of as my chemo garden - planted 41 perennials there, plus another 73 I had ordered before my diagnosis (I never thought I'd have the energy to dig up that much ground, haul all that dirt and mulch, etc. It's not gorgeous but I did it!)
- Learned to adore the working parts of my body - I can't tell you how proud I am of it for pulling through this chemotherapy the way it did. Way to go, all you body parts!
- Discovered how much I want to fight for my life - I've become my own strong, bald warrior
- Learned to love who I am on the inside enough that it doesn't matter to me what I look like on the outside
**And I should note, behind every exercising, gardening, fundraising, menopausal cancer patient with 3 active children is a very strong support system...thank you to my darling husband, Bill! (And all of my other helpers, especially Amy and Sybil on my hard days!)
7/29/08
We've escaped some sexual innuendo, for now
Emma spent probably an hour writing down the lyrics to "She will be loved" by Maroon 5 yesterday. (It was on a cd of inspirational songs a very sweet friend left for me and I had it in under-the-counter cd player in the kitchen.) I thought for a minute about telling her this was an inappropriate song, but she was working so hard and I hoped she didn't catch any particular inappropriate innuendo in the lyrics (plus I was being lazy).
I don't think I have to worry. She is here singing the song ("I love singing in front of crowds!" - the crowd is me + Nathan):
"Beauty queen of only 18. He was some trouble with herself." (Boys ARE often trouble for beauty queens...)
"I've fed you so many times but somehow I want more" (I sure don't feel this way about my children...that is some strong love he's got!)
"I know where you hide. Well, only your car" (It is much harder to hide a car than a person...)
I'm breathing a sigh of relief, because not only is she singing these lyrics, but Nathan is singing them as well - "she will be loved, she will be loved".
I don't think I have to worry. She is here singing the song ("I love singing in front of crowds!" - the crowd is me + Nathan):
"Beauty queen of only 18. He was some trouble with herself." (Boys ARE often trouble for beauty queens...)
"I've fed you so many times but somehow I want more" (I sure don't feel this way about my children...that is some strong love he's got!)
"I know where you hide. Well, only your car" (It is much harder to hide a car than a person...)
I'm breathing a sigh of relief, because not only is she singing these lyrics, but Nathan is singing them as well - "she will be loved, she will be loved".
7/28/08
The paparazzi are stalking my children
My children have spent 3 hours constructing a car (out of couch pillows), filling it with their belongings which they need at their upcoming concert, and finally, running through the house as they flee the paparazzi who chase them after their concerts (this takes up most of the playtime). Nathan then drives the getaway car.
I'm a little worried that they know about paparazzi, but glad for the exercise they are getting as they streak through the house at the speed of light (those paparazzi are fast)!
I'm a little worried that they know about paparazzi, but glad for the exercise they are getting as they streak through the house at the speed of light (those paparazzi are fast)!
7/27/08
Can I blame this on chemo brain?
Tonight, I FORGOT about the swim team's end-of-the-year banquet! It is totally crazy that I forgot, as I am so incredibly proud of our family for making it through this swim season. When I got my diagnosis, I had Bill sign up for the season thinking "we might not get to all the practices, or the meets, but we'll just do what we can do." At the start of chemo (once I knew how it felt), I NEVER thought I would be able to get myself to meets on chemo days, or even get out of bed on the bad Saturdays (much less get the kids to their swim meets)! When I saw how almost all of the meets were on "bad days", I was so sad, and so worried.
I wasn't so sure this was the right thing for Katie, either - I had plans to get her lessons this spring before the season started but the diagnosis and surgeries sort of tossed those plans out the window. I knew from last year that she probably could swim on the team, that the meets would seem a whole lot better if she was on the team instead of sitting around for 5 hours waiting for her sister to swim, and that if she did swim this year, it would make things easier if this was her first year (she could be in the same age group as Emma) and for next year.
I watched Katie struggle down the lane for the first few days of practice hoping and praying she'd make it, and that this wouldn't scar her for life! I called 5 different places to see if we could squeeze in some individual lessons on the good days to help her get through. We were totally blessed with some great teachers at the Costick Center who made swimming fun for both of the girls, but especially for Katie (I cried when I thanked them at the end of the season)...and guess who won the Most Improved Award for the 8 and under Girls tonight? Miss Katie Lucken.
BUT, I missed it, I missed Katie's special little spotlight today at the banquet. Can I blame this on chemo brain? Because I can't believe I could miss hearing the coach talk about my little girl tonight. I want to be so mad at myself, but I really can't, because I remember how it felt to be at some of those meets* and I can't believe I made it there. I can't believe Katie did it, either. I can't believe she went from barely making it down the lane, from days when she would cry and say that she was the slowest on the team, to saying "I don't really know how to do the breaststroke, but I'll make it through it, some day." I'm just going be proud of what we pulled off this season, (especially what Katie pulled off) and not worry too much about what I missed hearing tonight.
Luckily, our friend Julie called to tell us about the award and we rushed up to the club so that Katie could get it:
p.s. - I'm so proud of Emma, too! At B finals, she won her event and got her fastest time of the season! (See event 37)
*I have to say, I did not always behave very well at some of these meets. There were at least two occasions when someone tried to tell me to "let her find her spot" and leave Katie to get to the right place for marshalling (where they sit waiting to be taken up to the starting blocks) and I so jealously guarded my right to take her there and assure her that she would be fine that I snapped! "She is 6 years old, my 8 year old can find her spot just fine, but Katie is 6, I'm happy to help her find her spot, and I WILL HELP HER FIND HER SPOT!" Blame that extra-meanness on chemo too!
I wasn't so sure this was the right thing for Katie, either - I had plans to get her lessons this spring before the season started but the diagnosis and surgeries sort of tossed those plans out the window. I knew from last year that she probably could swim on the team, that the meets would seem a whole lot better if she was on the team instead of sitting around for 5 hours waiting for her sister to swim, and that if she did swim this year, it would make things easier if this was her first year (she could be in the same age group as Emma) and for next year.
I watched Katie struggle down the lane for the first few days of practice hoping and praying she'd make it, and that this wouldn't scar her for life! I called 5 different places to see if we could squeeze in some individual lessons on the good days to help her get through. We were totally blessed with some great teachers at the Costick Center who made swimming fun for both of the girls, but especially for Katie (I cried when I thanked them at the end of the season)...and guess who won the Most Improved Award for the 8 and under Girls tonight? Miss Katie Lucken.
BUT, I missed it, I missed Katie's special little spotlight today at the banquet. Can I blame this on chemo brain? Because I can't believe I could miss hearing the coach talk about my little girl tonight. I want to be so mad at myself, but I really can't, because I remember how it felt to be at some of those meets* and I can't believe I made it there. I can't believe Katie did it, either. I can't believe she went from barely making it down the lane, from days when she would cry and say that she was the slowest on the team, to saying "I don't really know how to do the breaststroke, but I'll make it through it, some day." I'm just going be proud of what we pulled off this season, (especially what Katie pulled off) and not worry too much about what I missed hearing tonight.
Luckily, our friend Julie called to tell us about the award and we rushed up to the club so that Katie could get it:
p.s. - I'm so proud of Emma, too! At B finals, she won her event and got her fastest time of the season! (See event 37)*I have to say, I did not always behave very well at some of these meets. There were at least two occasions when someone tried to tell me to "let her find her spot" and leave Katie to get to the right place for marshalling (where they sit waiting to be taken up to the starting blocks) and I so jealously guarded my right to take her there and assure her that she would be fine that I snapped! "She is 6 years old, my 8 year old can find her spot just fine, but Katie is 6, I'm happy to help her find her spot, and I WILL HELP HER FIND HER SPOT!" Blame that extra-meanness on chemo too!
Bill and his Tigers' fans
Have I mentioned that I am not the biggest sports fan in the world? I love participating in sports (though since I didn't do many as a kid, I'm not great at most of them), and I love following all of my University of Michigan Rowing team alums as they make their way in the international rowing world (some of our favorites are rowing for Canada and the US at the Olympics in less than a month!), but I'm not great at sitting down and watching sports. Bill quite obviously did not marry me for our shared love of following sports, and I have spent 15 years conflicted between either feeling sorry for him for this or trying to avoid watching games with him.
But look what I helped to make, to compensate for my lack of enthusiasm:
My Blog
By: Emma Lucken
I love the tigers baseball. Today my dad signed me up for there fan club. I got a tee-shirt, coloring papers, stuff about Placido polanco (who is not my favorite tiger) and stickers (they are the stickers around this page). Curtis Granderson is my favorite tiger. He plays center feild. He is really good at his place too! The D on the stickers is a old D they used in the olden days. The tiger at the bottom of the page is Paws the team mascot. The Detroit Tigers Rock!
But look what I helped to make, to compensate for my lack of enthusiasm:
Tigers Fans!
And this is what I found, written on a piece of paper with Detroit Tigers stickers in the 4 corners (from the Tigers Kid's fan club):My Blog
By: Emma Lucken
I love the tigers baseball. Today my dad signed me up for there fan club. I got a tee-shirt, coloring papers, stuff about Placido polanco (who is not my favorite tiger) and stickers (they are the stickers around this page). Curtis Granderson is my favorite tiger. He plays center feild. He is really good at his place too! The D on the stickers is a old D they used in the olden days. The tiger at the bottom of the page is Paws the team mascot. The Detroit Tigers Rock!
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