I have to say that I feel like cancer is opening up my life. It's much like the way motherhood opens up a woman's life - suddenly you have this giant thing in common with a whole subset of humanity, a touchstone upon which you can connect with other mothers of all different ages. Yesterday, my chemo day, really showed me another way in which cancer has made me lucky.

I kind of like wearing one of my she-definitely-has-no-hair-going-though-chemo? hats. I feel like the hat and as big of a smile as I can make are my best accessories these days. The hat singles me out, and lets other people who need to find me, find me...and the smile says that "Yes! You can talk to me! Everything's good here!" (The smile alone seems to put all the little children at ease, I notice them look at the hat, then see the big smile, and it's like the hat no longer registers... remember about how I was worried about freaking out little kids?) Anyway, my hat/smile combination helped me connect with three great people yesterday.

First of all, I saw someone who has kind of become a legend in my own mind... I have heard so many things about her, how she had breast cancer, was so beautiful, so great, so inspiring. I walked into Emma's new school yesterday, she saw me (hat's the dead giveaway), asked if I was me, and introduced herself. It was wonderful to meet Peggy! I was hoping I would see her, because the one thing about Emma changing schools in the middle of my baldness and the surgeries that are to come in the fall is that I will miss the comfortable feeling I have at Emma's current school, where people have been so nice to me. Plus she is a legend... :) I can DEFINITELY see why so many people love her.

Emma had a great time at move-up day, and was totally excited to go back to her current school which had a whole host of big and exciting things going on. I could feel her excitement, and was so happy that it seems like I have a pretty happy, well-adjusted child (at this moment). I remember thinking, "this is one of those days when it is just so amazing to be living my regular, everyday life". Just before she got out of the car, she told me, "I think Thursday is my favorite day of the week! There are so many fun things going on, Aunt Amy is here...it just seems like everything good happens on Thursdays!" Then I got to thinking about what Thursday meant to me - chemo day - and I became so sad about what I was about to go through, I started crying in the car! (I don't do a lot of crying about the things that go on, I just happen to report every episode of it!) It was one of the moments when I felt like it was unfair that I found the lump... I felt like all the other parents were dropping off their children, maybe basking in the glow of all the fun their children were having and how great it is to have them at this age, and they would be able to stay in the glow while I was about to put yucky stuff in my body and deal with it all weekend!

But then I went to chemo, and I can't believe I am saying this, but it was so fun. When I got there, my new friend Missy had NOT been scared away by my possibly overenthusiastic introduction of myself the previous time at chemo, and had found seats next to each other for us! So we happily sat next to each other and shared our cancer stories the way new moms share their birth stories. And then, I was so excited to see another legend in my mind, Ellyn, come into the room! She had found out when my appointment was, and stopped by! This was amazing to me because I am horrible with phone calls and she had left the most wonderful messages on my cell phone in the times when I really needed it the most, and I had never called her back! We had one phone conversation, and a few emails, and she was wonderful enough to come find me. I have to say that she mentioned that when she went to chemo, it was like a party - she had friends coming to visit, etc. - and I can see why, because she made my chemo (and I think, Missy's) like a party, too! So I felt extra lucky that day - 2 friends, we talked the entire time, and the time flew by. I was also inspired by them to try to make the most of these bad days...Missy is walking in the Race for the Cure tomorrow! on day three after chemo! with 38 friends! And Ellyn has always been so uplifting about the challenges that are ahead for me, that I almost thought they couldn't have been challenges for her (but I know they were, she just turns everything around to good stuff).

So, all in all...it was a great day. I have more to say about this opening up of my life - but I'm feeling a little yucky so back to bed for me!

A full life, just condensed

During the days leading up to chemo, I feel like I'm getting ready to leave on a trip (a really bad trip). I'm of course not going anywhere, but for the 5-6 days after chemo it feels like I can only count on part of me being here, and I float in and out of the situation. One thing is for certain: Pam may or may not be around, but MOM will be partially absent as she recovers. That woman does a lot of stuff, and so there are preparations for her absence!

So the few days before chemo Thursday are days filled with almost manic preparation. I'm furiously getting ready to be out of commission for the next 5-6 days or so - shopping for the food the kids need, checking over the calendar and making sure I have all their school stuff together for the next 5 school days, bathing the household, making sure the pets all have enough food for the next week, their nails are clipped, the cages and boxes cleaned, cleaning the house, doing all the laundry, getting the guest room ready, buying my People magazine, stocking up on pineapple (the only thing I know I will like after chemo), filling the meds, changing the sheets on the bed, tivo-ing anything remotely interesting...

It does feel good to get everything in order, but then I am kind of gone for 5-6 days, and invariably things unravel a bit, so that once I am feeling better I go into ANOTHER manic overdrive to put things back together again. After the last round I had to call my parents, who kept calling and calling, to reassure them that I was not having big problems...I was just so busy doing things I missed when I was out of it that I wasn't stopping to email or return calls.

I worried that I would be so sedentary all summer, but it seems like things are not like that at all...my life is just jam-packed into 2 weeks, and then I take a week off from it. It almost sounds nice, and would be, if I wasn't feeling like such garbage during that off week! The last two times, I WAS kind of looking forward to the break from responsibility, but by now I have become more wise and know what I have to deal with is going to be far worse than the responsibility of of being MOM.

Wish me luck, and send some prayers starting on Thursday, and over the weekend! After I come through everything I will be halfway done with chemo!

Bald head - surprise!

Sometimes I am positive that I have ESP, or whatever it is that means you can predict the future. (Increasingly, I am having problems finding the right word for things - yesterday I was on the phone with a really nice person, who I hope I will become a friend, and I think I used 3 different names for her daughter in the course of the conversation! I don't want to blame this on "chemo brain", but I have to say that I don't think I would have ever been so stupid before, and I am a bit mortified!)

Anyway, I was cleaning the house and having a fine time doing it (as I was aided by my iPod), and thinking to myself that I believe I have come a long way with my thoughts on my appearance. Other cancer survivors have told me this, and I absolutely did not believe them at the time, but it is a bit freeing to find oneself so changed and yet to realize it is the same person. I'm still here and still me with only one fake boob and no hair! So then my thoughts progressed and I thought that I might actually feel comfortable if more people saw me bald (I still think it will make them uncomfortable, though).

So here is where the ESP came in...my dear friend Patty dropped by with some flowers today and saw my bald head! So how funny is it that I had just had the premonition that I would be fine with it, maybe an hour before? I guess it is either ESP or I can thank God for giving me little hints just before I need them. (But why would God be telling me what song is coming next on the radio, it seems a little silly to waste his messages on that, that is why I think I have ESP.)

Poor Patty may have left quite shaken with the vision of skinhead Pam - I also had on my gardening boots, and was thus quite attractive! But I thank her for the flowers, which are beautiful. (And I did go put some sunscreen on my scalp!)

Oh, and thank you Sherri, for the perennials! I already planted them, and then since I had enough and Patty was coming back from Lowe's where she was buying more perennials, I passed the few I had left on to her. So you have helped 2 people in their gardening endeavors today!

What have you done with your hair? and your gentle personality?

Katie had her 6-year old's doctor appointment today. I wasn't sure how I'd feel going there - I didn't want my health stuff to become part of her appointment. I know that is their future now - instead of saying they got their height from their mom they will be wondering what ELSE they got from her, every health history they have to write down in their adulthood will be filled with my cancer info, and doctors will look at their chart and then look at them a lot differently. I just didn't want it to start now!

So, I went in with my wig on...hoping to ward off any questions. We haven't been to the pediatrician's office much, and it is a giant practice so we haven't really made a relationship with any particular physician. I like one of them, but we weren't seeing him. I figured I could pull off the wig just fine.

Imagine my surprise when the first thing the pediatrician says is something like it's been a long time, Katie is much older (maybe I saw her with Katie 3 years ago, maybe), and I look different (better? I almost think she thought I looked better), I've done something much different with my hair! I think I could have smiled and said yes, I started doing my hair, thanks.

Of course I'm not that happy in the wig so I blurted out the whole cancer story, quickly, and we went on with the appointment. She was very physician-like about it, not very affected (unlike my OB/GYN, who is still derailed by this, I think), same as usual to Katie. I thought I was fine about being "caught" with my wig, too.

But then I went to check out and caught the receptionist reprimanding Katie for pushing up onto the counter to look for a lollipop. I sassed that poor woman so badly ("I am sure you see a lot of children, but it is not appropriate for you to reprimand my daughter. What is appropriate for you to do is to mention the problem to her PARENT, and expect the parent to address the matter as the parent deems fit. I will most certainly discuss this with Katie as I also feel it is wrong for her to jump up on the counter. Thank you and I hope you have a nice rest of the day."). I must have been a bit more upset about revealing the cancer story again than I realized I would be when I revealed it!

*btw, she WAS using a mean voice. I think I may have been fine with a nice gentle reprimand, or something with a note of concern in her voice. But she sounded mean, and though Katie was fine, I do not do well when people are mean to others in my family - children, sisters, husband - I lose it and become a monster. Plus, though this is sort of annoying of me, I knew that once she started saying mean things about me after I left (because you know that is exactly what would happen) the pediatrician would come out and tell the woman I was going through chemo and then the woman would at least feel that I had other reasons for being a snot. Using the cancer! How low have I sunk!

She wants it all (She wants it all)

So funny it is, that since I've been feeling good, I think I should be able to do everything (and maybe more than everything) that I usually do, and not get tired at all. I was telling Bill that I was so tired this morning, that the rest of the family has to PICK UP THEIR STUFF AND HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! because I am tired! (And don't you know, I'm going through chemo - is what I did not say but of course it is understood.)

Then I reflected a bit, and thought back to the activities of the past few days. I guess I should not blame my tiredness on chemo when I walked 9 miles on Wednesday (how often is that EVER a daily activity?), and have been tearing apart the yard, and hauling yards of dirt to my garden in between driving my kids all over the area for various activities. I've been doing so much that I squeezed in a dirt run when I only had 30 minutes in which to do it - isn't that something you plan and give time to do instead of throwing the kids and the buckets and the shovels in the car and hoping you get it done before you have to pick up your eldest from school? Sorry Emma, that I'm late, I was getting dirt... (just kidding, I was NOT late, because I was moving so quickly during this efficient dirt run, and I've learned to time myself better. I'm embarrassed to say it wouldn't be the first time, though. Once last year I was late picking up my poor first grader because I was so immersed in picking dandelions!)

I then called Bill, and admitted to him that I had done all of these things lately (because I am doing them all when he is not paying attention, so he won't tell me I'm doing too much). I figured I should confess so that he didn't go to work feeling sorry for his poor tired chemo wife, or feeling badly that he should be coming home and cleaning the whole house for me, when really I've been doing extracurricular vigorous activities and just blaming my tiredness on the chemo!

So then he said to me, "But you want it all, BG (BG is a nickname)" and then burst into a soft-rock song I remember from the late 70's or early 80's - "Key Largo", and of course changed the lyrics to make it applicable.

So now I will be singing a Bertie Higgins song in my head all day, and laughing just thinking of Bill trying to hit the high notes. Oh, that and I need to look into preparing some raw vegetables or protein shakes, or whatever is best to fuel me for this crazy lifestyle... maybe I should skip the Cookie Crisp, followed by a handful of chocolate chips (desperate for chocolate?) as a nighttime snack?

We start them young around here...

Nathan actually got up to this all by himself! I was busy making a new garden in the back, and he found his own shovel and wheelbarrow...and then followed me around dumping mulch.

Matthew's baptism - pictures!

I uploaded some pictures from Matthew's baptism...they are under "Favorite Family Links" on the right. It was such a great day!