Emma's Jump Rope for Heart Thank You

Thank You all so much!! I managed to raise $300! It means a lot to me that I got to help with saving other people lives. Now I know that I helped to make sure no one goes through what my Mom and Aunts had to go through. Thank You.
Emma

a note from Emma

This is Emma Lucken writing to say I am doing Jump Rope for Heart. I know that most of you donated to my sister (rats I never get to Jump first ). You don't have to donate but every little bit counts. I am jumping for my mom's mom who as you know died when my mom was a kid, and I have always wanted to meet her. I am jumping because I don't want anybody to have to go through what my mom and her sisters went through. So if you want to donate click on this link: Jump Rope for Heart Thanks!
Emma

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

It's hard to believe that this was us just a year ago: trying to have a good time in Roatan despite the terrible diagnosis...but still together.

It's harder to believe that this is my life now - with no you. I hate to whine about it...but it seems so unfair to me that our historian, our photographer, my father, is gone. I don't see my children smile as widely anymore as I saw them smile in pictures you took...and I know that I feel different, ungrounded. I'm having a really hard time taking things seriously, with this feeling that life is so fleeting.

I'm never far from the memories or the pain.  December: "A year ago was my last Christmas being someone's child." January: "A year ago, Dad was diagnosed." February: "A year ago we were with Dad in Bayfield." March: "A year ago we were on our last trip together." I'm getting farther and farther from those though.

And even the good stuff causes me twinges because you won't see them - Noah's first haircut, Natalie looking so big and happy in her new backyard, Matthew's 2nd birthday party, Katie will be making her first communion this year. We're doing it all without our photographer, and without our biggest smiles.

But I know that life isn't fair, I know that I was gifted with a pretty good life, and I know that I am tough enough to handle this loss - MOST days.

So anyway, my progress report: I am not the all-A student you raised when it comes to grief management, but I am at least passing this class. I started running again (and I would guess you can run again, too, now that your legs are not all ruined). I'm starting a Brownie troop for Katie tomorrow. I'm hoping for a whole new wholesome adventure and more special time my precious middle child. I'm trying to make my life to go on. I'm trying pretty hard to engage, even though sometimes I wonder if any of it is worth it. Losing you still hurts an awful lot...so much that my other roles aren't quite filling up that spot. Maybe these new adventures will help me pass the time and one day I will look up and not feel that hurt quite so much.

Anyway, Dad, I'm sorry for the times that I didn't appreciate you as I probably should have. I should have probably worked less hard on my mother role over the past 10 years and worked harder on the daughter role - because it seems I wasn't ready to be done with that role yet! (And everyone knows, you can always mother harder...it is a neverending spectrum, motherhood.) Hopefully you know my intentions though, and know how much I loved you, even when we didn't always understand each other.

With love,

your daughter,

Pam

I can't believe...

• I can't really believe that I am a breast cancer survivor.
• It seems so weird that such a womanly disease was written into my DNA...I feel like I am the least womanly person around.
• I think it is funny that now I have so few girl parts (no real breasts, no ovaries, no periods to deal with, etc.) I guess I fit better now with who I always thought I was.
• I can't believe I had chemotherapy for breast cancer, and that I'm lucky enough to not be having it now!
• I can't believe I found a lump, and that I was lucky enough to find it in stage 1.
• I can't believe this will be my 4th 3-day, or that we have 29 team members!
• I can't believe I have no living biological parents.
• I can't believe I am a parent myself.
• I can't believe spring is really coming...

Lucken Family Mushers

I love this picture. We went dogsledding in Winter Park to celebrate my 2 year breast cancer anniversary:

Brownie Troop Invitations

I'm pretty excited to be starting a girl scout troop and love these invitations I made :).

The word that strikes fear in every mother's heart

SPRING!!!!!

It means mud, and more laundry, and so many school activities that it might make a person insane. Today has been an busy fundraising/team meeting planning/volunteering day. I'm going to finish up making a birthday cake and dinner for my husband, before I pick up the girls from school.

All of this marks the beginning of the uptick in activities that happens every spring ...which would be fine, except for what is happening outside. 40 degrees means I just want to be in the yard like
Laura Ingalls Wilder and Almanzo.

Oh SPRING. I love you and yet...yikes. So much to do, so little time!