3/30/10

A very good life

I'm reflecting on something my husband said yesterday. He said that we are doing everything we can to surround ourselves with life, and it's true. We have a very alive Red Dog; we have an enormously fluffy and playful black kitten; we have 8 baby-adolescent chicks. I'm growing about 100 plants in my house because it is too cold to put any of them out in the garden. Everywhere we look, it is life, Life, LIFE!

All of that life and liveliness starts to get to a person, and you just can't help feel the enthusiasm. Hope romps around the yard for hours like that old green toy is the best thing she's ever seen. Our black kitten writhes with affectionlike she never believed she could be so happy! And the chicks - they are always stretching their little necks to see "what's that? where are we?"

How fun it is to do geometry with Emma...we are finally doing some problem solving and teaching at home that doesn't put a mommy to sleep. She got a bigger bike, and now she looks little again. Katie turns 8 on Friday, and we are starting a new adventure together in girl scouts. And, Nathan! In about 1 day, he learned how to ride Emma's now-outgrown bike. I didn't even have time to teach him, to get sore running around the neighborhood hunched over and holding a bike, time to cajole him into trying again...I "helped" him once and I couldn't even keep up! He was going around the circle into the driveway, off into the street, riding like he was born doing it.

It is very liberating to do whatever you need to do to surround yourself with life, love, and your hobbies. Sometimes I feel so non-traditional, but what a very good life.

Overheard from Nathan

"I call that Dark Guy? The guy with the dark hair, dark clothes, dark everything? I call him Dark Vader."

3/24/10

My room smells like breast cancer, and...joy?

On Monday morning, after my family members were all off pursuing their various educations and professions, I walked into my room and I was taken aback with a huge sense of deja vu. It was quiet. It was clean. Bill had left on the air purifier. Most importantly, the light was just exactly the same as it would have been two years ago when I was in that same room, recovering from my mastectomy (daylight savings time, still no leaves on the trees, sunny but with no snow on the ground to make it shocking...). I was taken right back to those early days of my breast cancer.

It was almost a nice familiar smell and scene - the peace of knowing I was on an upswing (in one way - the cancer was cut out, and I only had one way to go - up and out of everything) mixed with the fear that I still had some hard things in front of me. I think remembering that upswing - feeling it, in that instant - gave me some hope.

Sometimes I feel like grieving is a cop-out. How can missing a person, missing being a daughter, and the pain of hard memories actually cause a person to be as "off" as I feel like I often am?  I have a hard time feeling like it is OK to be "off", and I have a hard time believing that I'm not always going to be a little wrecked from all of this. I have not really been so certain that I could be on an upswing, any time soon.

Then I walk into my breast cancer bedroom - that quiet, clean-smelling scene - and FEEL something again...or then, yesterday, for just an instant, while I was running on my treadmill, I felt one flash of my joy. Both sensations were so quickly gone that I can barely believe I felt them - but I am so grateful for those flashes.

I think they mean that the girl that I am when I am at my best might still be here, somehow. Could I manage to catch that upswing?

3/23/10

Our Irish Setter

She is so exuberant.


Though she has a whole acre to explore, she prefers to play right next to these kids.


3/22/10

A great day with Nathan

Just a few pics of a great excursion with my Bear...

Exciting bedtimes in the Lucken house


Someday in the future, I want to remember how I was putting Emma to bed last night... it was exactly like this, which I saw the other day - playful singing with a big exciting surprise included. She kept asking me to do it again...and again...and again. At the end, I said, "Now, have you been put to bed with the respect you deserve, having been my daughter for 10 years, 3 months, and 19 days?"

She smiled sweetly and said, "No. Only after you do this 10 more times." Meanwhile, my dog looked at me with a look that said, "Are you DONE yet?" and Katie came storming upstairs to demand the same mistreatment (which she got, of course). I love these moments with my kids!

In other news, we've started a new hobby, and here's a sneak peak. Exciting times ahead.



3/21/10

My personal training tool

Wii Sports has become my new personal training tool. Nathan has never been so happy for me to run on the treadmill as he is now. The key is to make it sound like a treat - "Do you want to play Wii Sports while I exercise?"

3/19/10

Goals

Goals for spring
  1. Go for a daily run - even if you would rather spend the time working in the yard.
  2. Try not to get injured while working in the yard.
  3. Quality time with children. I could spend all day saying "sure, in a minute". Do a better job planning meals and quality fun activities to do together. And again, get out of the yard.
  4. Take more pictures.
  5. Do a better job with my garden journal. Though this seems counterintuitive to my other plans.

3/10/10

Emma's Jump Rope for Heart Thank You

Thank You all so much!! I managed to raise $300! It means a lot to me that I got to help with saving other people lives. Now I know that I helped to make sure no one goes through what my Mom and Aunts had to go through. Thank You.
Emma

3/9/10

a note from Emma

This is Emma Lucken writing to say I am doing Jump Rope for Heart. I know that most of you donated to my sister (rats I never get to Jump first ). You don't have to donate but every little bit counts. I am jumping for my mom's mom who as you know died when my mom was a kid, and I have always wanted to meet her. I am jumping because I don't want anybody to have to go through what my mom and her sisters went through. So if you want to donate click on this link: Jump Rope for Heart Thanks!
Emma

Dear Dad





Dear Dad,

It's hard to believe that this was us just a year ago: trying to have a good time in Roatan despite the terrible diagnosis...but still together.

It's harder to believe that this is my life now - with no you. I hate to whine about it...but it seems so unfair to me that our historian, our photographer, my father, is gone. I don't see my children smile as widely anymore as I saw them smile in pictures you took...and I know that I feel different, ungrounded. I'm having a really hard time taking things seriously, with this feeling that life is so fleeting.

I'm never far from the memories or the pain.  December: "A year ago was my last Christmas being someone's child." January: "A year ago, Dad was diagnosed." February: "A year ago we were with Dad in Bayfield." March: "A year ago we were on our last trip together." I'm getting farther and farther from those though.

And even the good stuff causes me twinges because you won't see them - Noah's first haircut, Natalie looking so big and happy in her new backyard, Matthew's 2nd birthday party, Katie will be making her first communion this year. We're doing it all without our photographer, and without our biggest smiles.

But I know that life isn't fair, I know that I was gifted with a pretty good life, and I know that I am tough enough to handle this loss - MOST days.

So anyway, my progress report: I am not the all-A student you raised when it comes to grief management, but I am at least passing this class. I started running again (and I would guess you can run again, too, now that your legs are not all ruined). I'm starting a Brownie troop for Katie tomorrow. I'm hoping for a whole new wholesome adventure and more special time my precious middle child. I'm trying to make my life to go on. I'm trying pretty hard to engage, even though sometimes I wonder if any of it is worth it. Losing you still hurts an awful lot...so much that my other roles aren't quite filling up that spot. Maybe these new adventures will help me pass the time and one day I will look up and not feel that hurt quite so much.

Anyway, Dad, I'm sorry for the times that I didn't appreciate you as I probably should have. I should have probably worked less hard on my mother role over the past 10 years and worked harder on the daughter role - because it seems I wasn't ready to be done with that role yet! (And everyone knows, you can always mother harder...it is a neverending spectrum, motherhood.) Hopefully you know my intentions though, and know how much I loved you, even when we didn't always understand each other.
With love,
your daughter,
Pam

3/8/10

I can't believe...

  • I can't really believe that I am a breast cancer survivor.
  • It seems so weird that such a womanly disease was written into my DNA...I feel like I am the least womanly person around.
  • I think it is funny that now I have so few girl parts (no real breasts, no ovaries, no periods to deal with, etc.) I guess I fit better now with who I always thought I was.
  • I can't believe I had chemotherapy for breast cancer, and that I'm lucky enough to not be having it now!
  • I can't believe I found a lump, and that I was lucky enough to find it in stage 1.
  • I can't believe this will be my 4th 3-day, or that we have 29 team members!
  • I can't believe I have no living biological parents.
  • I can't believe I am a parent myself.
  • I can't believe spring is really coming...

3/3/10

Lucken Family Mushers

I love this picture. We went dogsledding in Winter Park to celebrate my 2 year breast cancer anniversary:


Brownie Troop Invitations


I'm pretty excited to be starting a girl scout troop and love these invitations I made :).

The word that strikes fear in every mother's heart

SPRING!!!!!

It means mud, and more laundry, and so many school activities that it might make a person insane. Today has been an busy fundraising/team meeting planning/volunteering day. I'm going to finish up making a birthday cake and dinner for my husband, before I pick up the girls from school.

All of this marks the beginning of the uptick in activities that happens every spring ...which would be fine, except for what is happening outside. 40 degrees means I just want to be in the yard like
Laura Ingalls Wilder and Almanzo.

Oh SPRING. I love you and yet...yikes. So much to do, so little time!