Overheard from Nathan

"I call that Dark Guy? The guy with the dark hair, dark clothes, dark everything? I call him Dark Vader."

My room smells like breast cancer, and...joy?

On Monday morning, after my family members were all off pursuing their various educations and professions, I walked into my room and I was taken aback with a huge sense of deja vu. It was quiet. It was clean. Bill had left on the air purifier. Most importantly, the light was just exactly the same as it would have been two years ago when I was in that same room, recovering from my mastectomy (daylight savings time, still no leaves on the trees, sunny but with no snow on the ground to make it shocking...). I was taken right back to those early days of my breast cancer.

It was almost a nice familiar smell and scene - the peace of knowing I was on an upswing (in one way - the cancer was cut out, and I only had one way to go - up and out of everything) mixed with the fear that I still had some hard things in front of me. I think remembering that upswing - feeling it, in that instant - gave me some hope.

Sometimes I feel like grieving is a cop-out. How can missing a person, missing being a daughter, and the pain of hard memories actually cause a person to be as "off" as I feel like I often am?  I have a hard time feeling like it is OK to be "off", and I have a hard time believing that I'm not always going to be a little wrecked from all of this. I have not really been so certain that I could be on an upswing, any time soon.

Then I walk into my breast cancer bedroom - that quiet, clean-smelling scene - and FEEL something again...or then, yesterday, for just an instant, while I was running on my treadmill, I felt one flash of my joy. Both sensations were so quickly gone that I can barely believe I felt them - but I am so grateful for those flashes.

I think they mean that the girl that I am when I am at my best might still be here, somehow. Could I manage to catch that upswing?

Our Irish Setter

She is so exuberant.

Though she has a whole acre to explore, she prefers to play right next to these kids.

A great day with Nathan

Just a few pics of a great excursion with my Bear...

Exciting bedtimes in the Lucken house

Someday in the future, I want to remember how I was putting Emma to bed last night... it was exactly like this, which I saw the other day - playful singing with a big exciting surprise included. She kept asking me to do it again...and again...and again. At the end, I said, "Now, have you been put to bed with the respect you deserve, having been my daughter for 10 years, 3 months, and 19 days?"

She smiled sweetly and said, "No. Only after you do this 10 more times." Meanwhile, my dog looked at me with a look that said, "Are you DONE yet?" and Katie came storming upstairs to demand the same mistreatment (which she got, of course). I love these moments with my kids!

In other news, we've started a new hobby, and here's a sneak peak. Exciting times ahead.

My personal training tool

Wii Sports has become my new personal training tool. Nathan has never been so happy for me to run on the treadmill as he is now. The key is to make it sound like a treat - "Do you want to play Wii Sports while I exercise?"

Goals

Goals for spring

1. Go for a daily run - even if you would rather spend the time working in the yard.
2. Try not to get injured while working in the yard.
3. Quality time with children. I could spend all day saying "sure, in a minute". Do a better job planning meals and quality fun activities to do together. And again, get out of the yard.
4. Take more pictures.
5. Do a better job with my garden journal. Though this seems counterintuitive to my other plans.