Bothering...and how much I hate stupid cancer

I was really, really lucky to meet my husband, and to have him be as dedicated to me as he has been since about the 2nd minute after we met. Bill was out of town for work this week - only 2 days! - and his absence made me realize how much he takes care of our children, and how much I rely on him for emotional support (let's just call all of that bothering him. It's what I do all day long, it's my greatest talent...and this week, having no one to bother was hard!)

I know that I am LUCKY that he has been so dedicated, because oh-my-goodness do I bother him so much every day... I expect him to help with the kids, I need him to be my sounding board on just about everything, and he has to do this while keeping his job by which he supports our family. The poor guy has been holding 2 full-time jobs for all of these years - being my boyfriend-and-then-husband, plus actually working his real job. A woman really notices that when the person she bothers is extra busy and not around.

My stupid BRCA 1 status and breast cancer has not helped matters much, etiher...now on top of normal bothering (and on top of the fact that he can't help but know he has married totally damaged goods and spent all of this energy staying married to someone who is genetic garbage anyway), I've added cancer bothering to my repetoire. At least once daily, I call him with, "Please tell me you don't think I'm going to die." "Please tell me I will get to see all of my children graduate from high school and college, get married, have babies, blah blah blah."

My cancer bothering has been ramping up lately, as cancer is just all around me, as much as I don't want it to be. If I am not thinking of my own, it is coming in the mail (newsletters), it is coming over email (all the cancer events are in full swing now that the weather is nice), it is on facebook, it is even in random magazines (one had the audacity to have on it's cover -
NEVER GET BREAST CANCER! WHAT HEALTHY WOMEN MUST DO NOW! It was just a very bad blurb for a very good cause, getting people to join the Love/Avon Army of Women) Worse than that, it is popping up - again, and more of it - in the people and things that I love as well.

I am so sick of cancer!!!!!!! I hate having this stupid gene, and I hate more that my dad has it, and that my friend's dad has it, and that cancer is stealing moments from all of our lives. And I HATE that my darling cat has it, all over her little fluffy body. Her breast cancer is back, in several spots that I can feel and see, and she is coughing, and one of her pupils is bigger than the other, etc. Aside from the misery of losing her, seeing her have this is a horrific thing for me - I get the intense misery of seeing cancer grow right before my eyes in a way you don't necessarily get if your cancer is inside you, under clothing. So then, I am miserable that her end is coming, but I am also extrapolating that not only my cancer could be growing, all red and black and purple in spots in my body (don't know what color it is, don't want to google it to find out - that is just sick- but hers is making her little breasts all red and black and purple and mishapen), but also that it is doing the same in my loved ones.

NO, I do NOT want to go to therapy to make myself at peace with cancer ripping apart my life, or other people's lives. I do not want to be at peace with it! I want it to go away, and if it won't, then I want to just do my daily duties to make life a little nicer, to hold stupid cancer at bay, and other than that - to just ignore it. If it IS going to steal moments, I'm not going to let it ruin the moments I do have by thinking about it. I don't call this avoidance - because every day I do things to fight cancer - I call this optimizing my life.

That's why I am writing about it here. I do not want to keep bothering Bill about it, now that I had a chance to realize how much I do it. I don't even want to talk about it! I want to get it all out of me and live this day like cancer doesn't even exist. We may not be able to be victorious over all of these individual cancers, but I can have today.


and on that note, I have to ask Nathan to not drink water simultaneously with cancer cat, from the dog/cat water bowl! I'll ask nicely, and do this not because she has cancer, but because that is just disgusting! and he knows it too, but I've been writing this post for a bit too long for him. But I do feel better. Now time for some gardening.


lori b said...

omg...i was thinking those same exact things! and i was gonna write a post like that...because i CANNOT get those same thoughts out of my mind! i have a newer saying, other than "cancer sucks." its "cancer is ridiculous". cuz it just is, and im sick of everyone getting it. and btw....youre not gonna die. you are gonna see your kids grow up. you got rid of it, and youre doing great. and im really sorry to hear about your cat. i didnt realize her cancer came back. dont even get me started on the animal thing. the heartstrings. ill just cry.

lori b said...

you have a gardening blog?!?!?! oh my.