Away from the Bell Jar and into...

I have some very, very, very funny and wonderful friends...that is one thing you can say about cancer world - it can connect you in special ways with great people. So thank you, to the girls who understand WHY I can get so morose, and then can help me get out of it! (Missy, Lori, and Laura.)

I would say that I am NOT on top of the world right now...but I am not writing dark poetry, either. I am worried about my little ones, and all of the losses that they have had, big and smaller. I feel absolutely and completely to blame for all of their struggles - my stupid gene, my old pets, my Dad dying, and even my mood disorder (which I am worried about them inheriting!) - all my fault.

I DID do something right, though, for myself and for them...I married their father!

And what a guy. (What a poor guy. I'm to blame for all of those same struggles for HIM, and even more.)

So what is Mr. Fantastic doing for his wife and children NOW?

Despite the vet bills and cremation charges for Nanners, and despite the vet bills for bee-allergic and expensive Hope...he is letting me charge on with my second generation of pets. The crazy pet lady lives on!!!!

She is getting a kitten. We all are getting a kitten.

So we are all about to experience, again, the joy of new life in our family - a fresh little baby (like our crazy girl Hope, who is fast becoming one of my MOST favorite crazy decisions we ever made). It is so exciting for me, so fitting for the memory of my darling cast-off kitty Nanners (cast-off before me, because I certainly treasured that little being from the minute I saw her) that I make room for someone else to enter into our house and hearts. I also think it will be exciting for the kids (for a moment, until they are annoyed, because I definitely know that none of these people are crazy pet people to the extent that I am) to see the positive part of loving...that you can love your departed dear ones, and yet still make room for new loved ones in your heart.

And yes, I know that it is absolutely INSANE of me to do this. I know I will be partially driven crazy...I know that Hope was JUST becoming a good puppy and now I am just stirring the pot again.

But that is what I do best!

And just like when we brought home Hope, I'm at a time in my life when I could use the excitement of doing something crazy. Again, I could use the new life around the house (esp. since with bee-allergic Hope, I feel like I can barely count on her to hang around for the next 12 years or so. It remains to be seen if we can absolutely control what happens with her, though I am trying, double-time.)

AND, it means a lot to me to say right now, "I am taking on the responsibility of caring for this creature for the next 15+ years"...because to say that, it means I believe I can be here 15 years from now...that despite my gene, and despite seeing the way cancer just ravaged my father, I am going to keep living just the way I want to live. No fear, no looking back, just doing what I want to do, and finding a way to make it all work. No worrying about what other people might think, embracing the kindness and generosity of the man who married me...and experiencing another adventure with my little family.

Life with our new fluffy black kitten. Name tbd, arrival into our home: tomorrow night, hopefully.

1 comment:

Laura said...

Pam --

You are such a doll -- I love you just the way you are -- free to be you (I know many put you on a pedestal including me), but never to pressure you to stay up there positive all the time, so you have to keep balancing without ever losing your balance. Of course you're blessed by so many who love and send out their support to help you back up when you're feeling weak, and those who reaffirm that it is ok to feel however and be whoever you are right now -- you are real and human and you honor us by sharing your story. Although it would be pretty hard to emulate you, you allow us to see your vulnerabilities and struggles even when you aren't feeling strong and that shows your greatest courage and faith.

You may find it funny that among the other things I threw into my car this weekend, I had not one, but two stuffed black cats in a bag at the yoga retreat - could not decide which one was for you and which one for Mikey, but knew one was for you.

I'm so glad you're welcoming in new life despite the chaos it may bring, and that you know no one will ever replace your little Annie, (Nanners), but that when you let go of something in your life there is room for something new -- you are on an incredible journey and you inspire me so! I might even make a crazy choice and go out to rescue a dog to bring into my house -- maybe you could pet sit if needed :D Or -- give me training tips -- it is now on my "dream list". I love the way you allow your dreams to be realized despite any risks.

I read some things that touched my heart when looking up yoga classes today, and heard things this weekend that are so true to the way you CHOOSE to live your life -- everything is either an opportunity or an obstacle, and you Pam always seem to "go for it"! Your babies and husband are so blessed by the person you are. It is not your abilities that make you who you are, but your choices, you are on the journey to be the best person you can be - living in the moment. Yoga Shelter's site states yoga is about being okay with where we are, right now, whether we've done it once or 1,000 times. It's not about judging or performance, it's about learning how to be present in the moment - being aware of our process of learning something new, and accepting ourselves just the way we are RIGHT NOW. In my journey I see your ever-present example of a life worth living! Namaste!