9/11/08
Apparently it's not ALL my job
Tonight Katie wanted to stay up and straighten the house. When I thanked her, she said, "I want to help for the party. 3-day walkers can't do everything..."
That's your job, Mom
I'm having our 3-day team and families over on Saturday (pray that the thunderstorms forecasted don't become a reality) and was discussing the matter, full of enthusiasm, with Emma last weekend. This was of course when it was still in the planning stages and not in the reality stages! (My house is a disaster, and also, let's be quite clear - I am no Martha Stewart of entertaining and home decor. I'd like to be, but it's becoming more and more clear that my gifts do not lie in that direction*. What was I thinking?)
Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing all of these families in one place so I am going to get over my disastrous house and work on having only fun. But last weekend when I was thinking of this I was enthusing and Emma said to me "How can you even think about that party! It's so far away!" and I said, "But that's only next week! There's lots of stuff to do before then - get the house in order, get some food, get this, get that...." and she said, "Well, that's all your job, Mom. My job is to go to school and wait." (And apparently that is a harder job, the waiting.)
*And, now that I think about it, I don't care if I don't have that gift. The only thing I want to be really good at right now is beating breast cancer.
Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing all of these families in one place so I am going to get over my disastrous house and work on having only fun. But last weekend when I was thinking of this I was enthusing and Emma said to me "How can you even think about that party! It's so far away!" and I said, "But that's only next week! There's lots of stuff to do before then - get the house in order, get some food, get this, get that...." and she said, "Well, that's all your job, Mom. My job is to go to school and wait." (And apparently that is a harder job, the waiting.)
*And, now that I think about it, I don't care if I don't have that gift. The only thing I want to be really good at right now is beating breast cancer.
Bottled Up!
I've decided to stay off the erg/other exercises that might involve my torso for a while, and lo and behold, my rib is feeling better. My emotions are feeling crazier, though, of course! I really enjoy that mindless-exercise-time...it is my best way of unwinding. I could use some unwinding after a busy first week+ of getting-into-the-school groove!
I did want to remember two things, though, before my life moves away too quickly and I forget again, so I'm going to write them here.
1)
Nathan had a harder 2nd day of preschool, and was holding on to my hand so tightly, not joining up with the other kids, etc. (as if I would leave him if he didn't hold me tight enough, which is what I ended up doing, so he was right). Apparently this is normal - the first day is so interesting and on the second they know they are being left and it isn't so novel anymore! There was no crying, but he wasn't happy and it took a while before I was able to leave him.
At school Nathan reverts to the almost-3 year old, quieter boy, but at home he is an almost-3-year old boy with vocabulary and influences from the 6-9 year old girl crowd. He has this phrase which he uses all the time, and it is so perfect for how he was when I was dropping him off: "Oh, FINE. But I'm not happy 'bout it."
2) Last night, my father-in-law left us a message...and he always ends his messages with "Take Care..." I love that phrase...it never seems to get old for me, it always seems earnest no matter who says it or under what circumstance (I know that's probably not always the case, it could be just a stock phrase, but it is one that hasn't lost it's luster with me.) Yesterday, though, my father-in-law left another saying, "Be Happy" and that made me stop. What a nice thing to say, and really, why not try our hardest to do that?
Happiness isn't something that always just comes - and I can see that this week a lot with Emma starting at a new school, and Katie being a big first grader now, and Nathan starting preschool, and Bill being super-busy at work, and me juggling lots of comings and goings and trying to squeeze other responsibilities in the 1 hour here and 1/2 hour there before we need to come or go again. NOT TO MENTION the whole world of breast cancer and worries that come along when that part of the world opens up (sort of how when a person is pregnant, they start seeing the world of parenthood which was there all along but suddenly it exists for that person...the cancer world is here all along but it doesn't always really exist for you until you experience it closely - through yourself or through a loved one's cancer).
But really, I know from those who came before me that it doesn't get any easier (and I know that from my life, lately!), so I'm going to keep that phrase in my head if I can, and try my best to just "be happy". It is a choice we make, and it is a great thing to hold as a goal.
I did want to remember two things, though, before my life moves away too quickly and I forget again, so I'm going to write them here.
1)
Nathan had a harder 2nd day of preschool, and was holding on to my hand so tightly, not joining up with the other kids, etc. (as if I would leave him if he didn't hold me tight enough, which is what I ended up doing, so he was right). Apparently this is normal - the first day is so interesting and on the second they know they are being left and it isn't so novel anymore! There was no crying, but he wasn't happy and it took a while before I was able to leave him.
At school Nathan reverts to the almost-3 year old, quieter boy, but at home he is an almost-3-year old boy with vocabulary and influences from the 6-9 year old girl crowd. He has this phrase which he uses all the time, and it is so perfect for how he was when I was dropping him off: "Oh, FINE. But I'm not happy 'bout it."
2) Last night, my father-in-law left us a message...and he always ends his messages with "Take Care..." I love that phrase...it never seems to get old for me, it always seems earnest no matter who says it or under what circumstance (I know that's probably not always the case, it could be just a stock phrase, but it is one that hasn't lost it's luster with me.) Yesterday, though, my father-in-law left another saying, "Be Happy" and that made me stop. What a nice thing to say, and really, why not try our hardest to do that?
Happiness isn't something that always just comes - and I can see that this week a lot with Emma starting at a new school, and Katie being a big first grader now, and Nathan starting preschool, and Bill being super-busy at work, and me juggling lots of comings and goings and trying to squeeze other responsibilities in the 1 hour here and 1/2 hour there before we need to come or go again. NOT TO MENTION the whole world of breast cancer and worries that come along when that part of the world opens up (sort of how when a person is pregnant, they start seeing the world of parenthood which was there all along but suddenly it exists for that person...the cancer world is here all along but it doesn't always really exist for you until you experience it closely - through yourself or through a loved one's cancer).
But really, I know from those who came before me that it doesn't get any easier (and I know that from my life, lately!), so I'm going to keep that phrase in my head if I can, and try my best to just "be happy". It is a choice we make, and it is a great thing to hold as a goal.
9/8/08
Supporting one of my biggest supporters
The Lucken family is excited to be participating in the 2008 Buddy Walk, hosted by the Down Syndrome Guild (DSG) of Southeast Michigan. It's a one-mile walk in Kensington Park, held on October 4th, 2008.
Any readers of this blog will have heard me mention Laura, a friend who supported me wholeheartedly throughout all of my treatments this summer. My children have come to think of her as our family angel! We will be walking to support her family and her little angel, her daughter Annie.
If you would like to contribute to our walk, here is the link! Or for more fun, join us. We are registered with Annie's Buddies.
Any readers of this blog will have heard me mention Laura, a friend who supported me wholeheartedly throughout all of my treatments this summer. My children have come to think of her as our family angel! We will be walking to support her family and her little angel, her daughter Annie.
If you would like to contribute to our walk, here is the link! Or for more fun, join us. We are registered with Annie's Buddies.
Random notes
If only chocolate chips could prevent cancer recurrence...I would be so all set! I have a chocolate chip eating problem. I can give up all sorts of things but the chocolate chips are just not budging from my diet (yet). I will continue to wage this battle, though.
Why is it that I finally get my minivan back, and then promptly use it as a method of destruction? Today I backed into a the bumper of a lovely pregnant woman's BRAND NEW Volvo Cross Country. Scratch! I can't tell you how stupid and horrible I felt. I was at the vet office, and that parking lot drives me crazy...all these pets and people coming in and out and I was all distracted and used to driving my Volvo Cross Country (which must be smaller) because there I went and ruined the car she just picked up from the dealer. She was so sad. I gave her all my information and then promptly went to the store where I bought her some flowers and a card in which I wrote "It wasn't so long ago that I was driving my new Volvo, with room for my baby-on-the-way and the dog-in-the-back" and "I'm so sorry I damaged your beautiful new car" and "Please, don't hesitate to contact me for the repair of the scratch, it's the least I can do and the least of our worries as a family right now." She called me and told me not to worry, it's just a car, but still. What a giant idiot.
Why is it that I finally get my minivan back, and then promptly use it as a method of destruction? Today I backed into a the bumper of a lovely pregnant woman's BRAND NEW Volvo Cross Country. Scratch! I can't tell you how stupid and horrible I felt. I was at the vet office, and that parking lot drives me crazy...all these pets and people coming in and out and I was all distracted and used to driving my Volvo Cross Country (which must be smaller) because there I went and ruined the car she just picked up from the dealer. She was so sad. I gave her all my information and then promptly went to the store where I bought her some flowers and a card in which I wrote "It wasn't so long ago that I was driving my new Volvo, with room for my baby-on-the-way and the dog-in-the-back" and "I'm so sorry I damaged your beautiful new car" and "Please, don't hesitate to contact me for the repair of the scratch, it's the least I can do and the least of our worries as a family right now." She called me and told me not to worry, it's just a car, but still. What a giant idiot.
9/4/08
The best day ever!
I have become a huge fan of SpongeBob SquarePants this summer, as we played a dvd of some past episodes over and over again in our minivan (before it was rear-ended about 2.5 weeks ago...it is still being repaired). As I write the title of this post, I am singing the SpongeBob song ("It's the best day ever!") over in my head. Nathan loves SpongeBob, too...as you can see from this picture:
(We saw him on an impromptu trip to Niagara Falls, on 8/23/08, note the picture's date. We skipped a bigger trip we had planned to Whistler/Vancouver to take care of some important family things before school started, and wanted to get out of town for a couple of days.)
But our "best day ever" didn't occur in Niagara Falls...it happened the day of the 3 mile run/walk
which my aunt, uncle and cousins put together on Labor Day, on Harsens' Island.
The race is a race which has occurred on Labor Day on Harsens' Island for a while, usually as a fundraiser for the Fire Department. My Aunt Donna had the idea to turn it into a fundraiser for breast cancer research and enlisted the help of the Cross Country team at De La Salle Collegiate High School, of which my cousin Sean is a member. To play a sport at De La Salle, the boys need to do a service project, so this was one they could do - help at the walk, and recruit 2 runners and 2 walkers. (This was fun for me as I ran Cross Country at Regina High School, which is a "sister school" to De La Salle...so all of my years running in the Catholic League came back as I watched the team warm up and run this race.)
I didn't know what to expect on this day...we just loaded up the double jogger into the station wagon (minivan still in shop) and thought we would figure it out when we got there. As soon as we got there, Emma decided she wanted to run this 3 mile race. I tried my hardest to convince her not to run, as 1) she has never run a race 2) she's never run 3 miles non-stop 3) she had played her first 3 travel soccer games on Saturday (2) and Sunday (1) and 4) I didn't know if I could run this race with her, having only finished chemo 4 weeks before. Once she found out there were only 2 girls running in her age group (13 and under girls) and knew she could get earn a medal by finishing, she was definitely not going to be convinced to walk instead though (She's walked this far with me, so I knew she could do that). Plus I wanted to see what would happen, even if one or both of us were going to crash and burn.
So we signed up to run, Bill signed up to walk with Katie and Nathan in the jogger. We did a little warm-up, and got to the back of the starting area where we wouldn't be in anyone's way.
The race started....the cross country runners took off. Emma was giddy, and excited. I told her we were going to take it easy and just go at a nice pace, and not to waste her energy, just have fun and see the sights. It was a 1.5 mile out-and-back course.
The fun began almost instantly, as we turned the corner and saw the South Channel. My family has had a cottage on Harsens' Island since 1911 and my sisters and I spent many, many happy summer childhood days there. Soon after, the leaders were coming back (winner ran the first mile in 4:40), and after that, we saw my cousin Sean and my cousin Kevin on their way back. My Dad was calling out times at the 1 mile/2 mile mark!
We ran a pretty good first mile, kept the pace through the 1.5 mile turn/water stop (Emma dumped water on her head like a pro), saw my dad again at the 2 mile mark. At about 2.25 miles, we saw the walkers coming down the course - we passed Bill, Katie and Nathan who were walking with my Uncle Jim. Then we passed Nancy (my stepmother, the highly favored Grandma Nance!) walking with Uncle Mark and her dog Rocky. (They were the only 2 people + dog to go swimming in the middle of the walk...crazy fun family!) Aunt Donna's dad was manning the water stop at the 2.5 mile mark. Right before that I had noticed Emma's shoe (which had been untied for a while) was actually coming off her foot and made her stop for a second after the water stop to tie it ("NO! I DO NOT WANT TO STOP!").
We kept going until the 2.75 mile mark, and we kept the pace until I told her "OK...now, you can go if you want to." "I can't go anywhere!" "OK, then let's just stay like this, this is perfect."
At the finish line, Aunt Donna, Uncle Kevin, and Molly the dog were waiting! She sprinted to finish ahead of me - 27:50. Not bad for an 8.5 year old! She won her age group (the 10 year old running finished in 44:00). Bill had tears in his eyes when she walked up to get her medal! Not bad for me, either - I don't know when the last time I ran 3 miles non-stop was...maybe before my diagnosis in February?
The rest of the day was blissfully fun also. We stopped at the cottage (Uncle Mark and Uncle Bob use it most, Aunt Donna's parents live across the canal so Uncle Kevin and family stay there and we grew up swimming back and forth between the two). The kids loved seeing this cottage again, I loved seeing them jump into the canal like we did. Uncle Jim drove his boat down from his place at the Old Club. After a while, we all loaded up and drove the boats to Horseshoe Bay - my Dad and Nancy drove home from the race and drove their boat across Lake St. Clair from Grosse Pointe Farms to meet us!
The family swam and hung out together in Horseshoe Bay - my 3 uncles, my aunt, my 2 cousins, my dad and Nancy, and my little family - swimming between boats, playing frisbee, fighting for floats - like we did growing up. Emma went tubing for the first time with Bill (from Uncle Jim's boat) while Nathan, Katie and I hung out on Dad and Nancy's boat and soaked up the sunshine. Nathan fell asleep in the cabin on the way back to the cottage.
It was almost magical to share all of these things with my children - my great family and my memories. We drove home just in time to put our things out for the big first day of school...just a teeny bit of red on the cheeks and our minds full of this day of both so many firsts and so many memories.
(We saw him on an impromptu trip to Niagara Falls, on 8/23/08, note the picture's date. We skipped a bigger trip we had planned to Whistler/Vancouver to take care of some important family things before school started, and wanted to get out of town for a couple of days.)
But our "best day ever" didn't occur in Niagara Falls...it happened the day of the 3 mile run/walk
which my aunt, uncle and cousins put together on Labor Day, on Harsens' Island.
The race is a race which has occurred on Labor Day on Harsens' Island for a while, usually as a fundraiser for the Fire Department. My Aunt Donna had the idea to turn it into a fundraiser for breast cancer research and enlisted the help of the Cross Country team at De La Salle Collegiate High School, of which my cousin Sean is a member. To play a sport at De La Salle, the boys need to do a service project, so this was one they could do - help at the walk, and recruit 2 runners and 2 walkers. (This was fun for me as I ran Cross Country at Regina High School, which is a "sister school" to De La Salle...so all of my years running in the Catholic League came back as I watched the team warm up and run this race.)
I didn't know what to expect on this day...we just loaded up the double jogger into the station wagon (minivan still in shop) and thought we would figure it out when we got there. As soon as we got there, Emma decided she wanted to run this 3 mile race. I tried my hardest to convince her not to run, as 1) she has never run a race 2) she's never run 3 miles non-stop 3) she had played her first 3 travel soccer games on Saturday (2) and Sunday (1) and 4) I didn't know if I could run this race with her, having only finished chemo 4 weeks before. Once she found out there were only 2 girls running in her age group (13 and under girls) and knew she could get earn a medal by finishing, she was definitely not going to be convinced to walk instead though (She's walked this far with me, so I knew she could do that). Plus I wanted to see what would happen, even if one or both of us were going to crash and burn.
So we signed up to run, Bill signed up to walk with Katie and Nathan in the jogger. We did a little warm-up, and got to the back of the starting area where we wouldn't be in anyone's way.
The race started....the cross country runners took off. Emma was giddy, and excited. I told her we were going to take it easy and just go at a nice pace, and not to waste her energy, just have fun and see the sights. It was a 1.5 mile out-and-back course.
The fun began almost instantly, as we turned the corner and saw the South Channel. My family has had a cottage on Harsens' Island since 1911 and my sisters and I spent many, many happy summer childhood days there. Soon after, the leaders were coming back (winner ran the first mile in 4:40), and after that, we saw my cousin Sean and my cousin Kevin on their way back. My Dad was calling out times at the 1 mile/2 mile mark!
We ran a pretty good first mile, kept the pace through the 1.5 mile turn/water stop (Emma dumped water on her head like a pro), saw my dad again at the 2 mile mark. At about 2.25 miles, we saw the walkers coming down the course - we passed Bill, Katie and Nathan who were walking with my Uncle Jim. Then we passed Nancy (my stepmother, the highly favored Grandma Nance!) walking with Uncle Mark and her dog Rocky. (They were the only 2 people + dog to go swimming in the middle of the walk...crazy fun family!) Aunt Donna's dad was manning the water stop at the 2.5 mile mark. Right before that I had noticed Emma's shoe (which had been untied for a while) was actually coming off her foot and made her stop for a second after the water stop to tie it ("NO! I DO NOT WANT TO STOP!").
We kept going until the 2.75 mile mark, and we kept the pace until I told her "OK...now, you can go if you want to." "I can't go anywhere!" "OK, then let's just stay like this, this is perfect."
At the finish line, Aunt Donna, Uncle Kevin, and Molly the dog were waiting! She sprinted to finish ahead of me - 27:50. Not bad for an 8.5 year old! She won her age group (the 10 year old running finished in 44:00). Bill had tears in his eyes when she walked up to get her medal! Not bad for me, either - I don't know when the last time I ran 3 miles non-stop was...maybe before my diagnosis in February?
The rest of the day was blissfully fun also. We stopped at the cottage (Uncle Mark and Uncle Bob use it most, Aunt Donna's parents live across the canal so Uncle Kevin and family stay there and we grew up swimming back and forth between the two). The kids loved seeing this cottage again, I loved seeing them jump into the canal like we did. Uncle Jim drove his boat down from his place at the Old Club. After a while, we all loaded up and drove the boats to Horseshoe Bay - my Dad and Nancy drove home from the race and drove their boat across Lake St. Clair from Grosse Pointe Farms to meet us!
The family swam and hung out together in Horseshoe Bay - my 3 uncles, my aunt, my 2 cousins, my dad and Nancy, and my little family - swimming between boats, playing frisbee, fighting for floats - like we did growing up. Emma went tubing for the first time with Bill (from Uncle Jim's boat) while Nathan, Katie and I hung out on Dad and Nancy's boat and soaked up the sunshine. Nathan fell asleep in the cabin on the way back to the cottage.
It was almost magical to share all of these things with my children - my great family and my memories. We drove home just in time to put our things out for the big first day of school...just a teeny bit of red on the cheeks and our minds full of this day of both so many firsts and so many memories.
Where have I been?
Worried about a pain in my ribs. As far as I can tell, it could be one of the following things:
- A broken rib healing. I fell onto the metal edge of a barrel (I think my rib hit this) filled with wrapping paper rolls (breast hit this) in early January. I found my breast cancer when feeling around to see how my breast was healing. But why would my rib be healing now? Chemo probably delays healing, but what about January-April when I started chemo, wouldn't it have healed by this time? Bone scan says it could be a healing rib, but "cannot rule out metastatic breast cancer. Further radiographic imaging recommended." But my bone scans will always say this, because I am a breast cancer survivor...my oncologist says it is probably the broken rib healing.
- Could I have re-injured my rib by wrestling with children or rowing? Maybe...
- Am I getting feeling back in that area after my mastectomy and just noticing the pain now?
- Is this bone pain associated with the bone drug I'm taking as part of the clinical trial?
- Is it something else?
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