The 3-day this weekend

I feel a little guilty about it, but I am really, really, really looking forward to the 3-day this weekend. (Guilty because it seems like I shouldn't be so happy about something after having lost beloved family members.) However, I LOVE the 3-day...so much so that I signed up for next year already.

If you haven't donated and would like to donate (every donation helps!), I would love it. If you are inspired and want to walk next year, please join our team. (And use the discount code, POWER10, to get $35 off the registration fee.) Obviously, if I am looking this forward to it, having buried my father on Monday and my cat on Tuesday, and this being my third year, it is a great event.

You will never, ever regret taking such bold steps to make a difference in the world (and I say that with regard to breast cancer, or any other cause you choose to make your own). You might even find, like me, that doing things like the 3-day can get you through the hardest times in your life!

Other event details:
MAP - this year's route will be the best ever for me - going through all of our old haunts in Ann Arbor also!

Cheering Stations- to see this awesome event, come to one of these. People hand out goodies to the walkers, have signs, and just cheer in general.

Cheering Stations
The following Cheering Stations are safe, recommended places for your supporters to cheer you on along the route.

Friday, August 14:

10:00 am - 2:00 pm
Save a Lot
8244 N. Merriman Road
Westland, MI 48185

12:00 pm - 6:00 pm
Mid 5 Center
Southwest corner of 5 Mile Road and Middlebelt Road
Livonia, MI 48154

Saturday, August 15:

9:00 am - 1:00 pm
Kellogg Park
Intersection of Ann Arbor Trail and Main Street
Plymouth, MI 48170

11:30 am - 5:45 pm
Newburgh Plaza
Southeast corner of 6 Mile Road and Newburgh Road
Livonia, MI 48152

Sunday, August 16:

9:00 am - 1:00 pm
Main Street between William Street and Ann Street
Ann Arbor, MI 48104

AND, THANK YOU TO ALL OF MY SUPPORTERS THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

Nicole Bates

The Blackstone family

Rachel Brunelle

The Buckfire family

Mike Calamita

Donna and Kevin Carroll

Perry and Jim Carroll

The Blumbergs family

Rob Claar and family

Dave and Becka Clifton

The Cocagne family

The Curran family

Ellyn Davidson

The Davis family

The Durkin family

Carolyn Frishman

Audrey Geml

Ted Goldman

The Gorte family

The Guise family

Janine Hanson

The Hartwig family

Michelle Heitz

The Hickey family

The Honet family

The Howlett family

Sheryl Iloff

The Kennedy family

The Leitao family

The Meyer family

The Moorhead family

The Murray family

The Nelson family

Michele Parker and family

Charity Petrina and family

The Reinowski family

The Sass Family

Kelly (Raczak) Seestedt

The Selecman family

The Simot family

Geoff Smith

Kate and Nick Spindler

The Stout Family

Cheryl Tocco

The Thomson Family

John Whelan

Grant Wilcox

Thank you to the following who donated to my teammates for me:

John and Nancy Carroll

The Gibbs Family

The Kay Family

Melissa Mandl Mase

Bill Lucken

Marci Simot

And thank you to everyone who supported the Cutest Pet contest and our NNN Night out at the Loving Touch...that money also supported my teammates.

In writing this all out, I realize what a lucky, lucky person I am. I am so grateful.

I'm having a hard time believing all of the events of the past 2-3 weeks are true. Could it really be that my Dad actually died? I know people who have been teetering on the edge of life for decades now...so it seems totally unreal that my Dad could have gone from really actively living to taking his last breath in a matter of weeks. And could it really be that my MOST intrepid, and most wonderful, and most loving cat lost her final battle, too? Neither of those two things make sense to me.

I also can't figure out how I can possibly close up the huge gaping holes in me, that these two individuals left behind. Yes, I know that it is the way of life for generations to pass...but with no living biological parents I sort of feel like the bull's eye is on me right now, and that is something I do not wish for with all of my heart. And yes, I know and always knew that my Nanners would not last forever...but it seems absolutely impossible that there is another cat out there who could ever come close to replacing her. (Before anyone tells me it will happen...know that it won't. No other cat will sleep on my huge pregnant belly...and I'm praying I'll not need another chemo companion, either.)

The holes are one thing I feel badly about, but there are other things bothering me as well. For example, I hate this, but I feel a little relieved that all of the suffering is over...and even Emma said something like that today: "At least the hard parts are over."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that THEIR hard parts are over, but ours are just beginning.

Goodbye, again

Today, at about 3:15pm, I said goodbye to my faithful companion of 13.5 years, Nan.

I'd been watching her to detect any changes in her behavior that might indicate she was really near the end, and they finally came: she was trying to sneak outside, it seemed like nothing made her comfortable, and she had already stopped eating at least 2 weeks ago. Last night, my pup Hope was trying to clean her up, and I decided to give Annie a real bath - her breast cancer had turned to inflammatory carcinoma, and she had an infection on one side, which was horribly stinky and gross. After spending an hour getting her washed, brushed, putting ointment on her wounds, and just lying with her, it seemed to me that it would be most humane to help her to her final resting place. After seeing all of the insanely crazy steps of suffering that lead from nearly dead to totally dead (in a cancer death), I was determined to save her some of the insanity.

So I spent time with my little Nanners today, and after a bawling goodbye from the 3 children, Bill and I drove to the veterinarian's office (where he agreed with my judgment). Tears rolling down our 3 faces, we saved our darling cat from the coming misery - and sort of jump started our own, if I am completely honest.

I can't believe that she is gone. though...after all of those years, all the houses, all the hunting to find her when she slipped out the door, all of those hours of pregnancy lying with her on my side, all of those surgeries for various ailments, all of the purring and writhing, ALL of her unexpected little things...my Annie is no more.

Rest in Peace, my little angel.

Funeral Home Days

Thank you to all of our wonderful friends and family who have come out to support us during this sad time in our lives. I wish I could say I deserved this outpouring of support, but it has been so big and so wonderful there is no way I have earned it!

I'm taking some comfort in feeling like I am representing my Dad well, in knowing that I tried my very best to give him some comfort in his last week and days, and in feeling that he really did live a very good and full life. With his crazy schedule and the many different aspects of his life, he really did pack about 110 years into his 63 years of life.

That's not really taking away my nightmares that seem to pop up every night. I keep dreaming he is dying in bed next to me, and I have been not caring for him, or he is nearly gone but alone in his suffering, or I haven't been helping him enough, and he's not safe. Once so far Bill had to have a long conversation with my sleeping self to tell me that my Dad had died, in his home in Grosse Pointe...that it had already happened and I could stop living THAT part of the nightmare. The loneliness part gets to start now.

And I do wish to say, if you haven't seen me weeping at the funeral home, and if you think that means I am not so sad...you're wrong. I just don't think my Dad would really care for that kind of a show. I save it for when the people leave, and I have a few minutes alone, thinking about what has just happened to my life.

I Iost him

I am so, so, so sorry to write this...but last night, at 9:32pm (really 9:30, but the certificate will say 9:32pm) I lost my Dad. I know he will always be with me in some way, but I still feel that I lost him.

Rest (or live on, in a nicer way) in Peace, my darling Dad.

John W. Carroll, Jr.
6/19/46 - 8/5/09

Funeral Arrangements for John Carroll

Visitation: Saturday, August 8th, 1-5pm and Sunday, August 9th, 2-8pm
Prayer Vigil and Memory Sharing: Sunday 5pm

A.H. Peters Funeral Home
Mack and Vernier
Grosse Pointe Woods

Funeral Mass: Monday, August 10th, at 10am (In State at the Church: 9:30am)
St. Paul on the Lake
Grosse Pointe Farms, MI

Memorial Contributions:
Pancreatic Cancer Action Network
Pancan.org

As you know, it is my way to emote online...so I am sure I'll be doing a lot of that here soon.

I started writing this...figured I would share

This is simultaneously the biggest nightmare, and the biggest blessing of my entire life.



Over the past 2 weeks, I have slowly watched my father disappear (at least physically) from my life. He is shrinking before our very eyes, as this horrific cancer steals all of his ability to nourish himself. His ability to communicate with us is also shrinking - whether from lack of energy (a few days ago), to lack of lucidity (yesterday), to lack of our ability to understand what he is saying (today).



At the same time, I have watched my family come together. My sisters, their families, my uncles, aunts, and cousins have flooded into our homes and our hearts. Yesterday, while my sister was finalizing the hospice sign-up (it has gone so quickly, we hardly knew we needed it yet just 3 days ago), my step-mom's sisters were making lunch, while my aunt and cousin were visiting with my Dad, and my husband and I were moving beds around to make room for the hospital bed.

Again, so fast

Here are more updates, should anyone be coming back to this blog to check on the happenings in our family.

We are meeting with Hospice tomorrow to see what we can do to help control Dad's pain and to bring him some comfort.

Amy is in town, with Matthew, staying with Dad and helping.

Julie and Tyler are flying in today (in just two hours), with their two little children (Natalie is turning 2, and Noah is 3 months old). Julie plans to move to Michigan on September 1st, but she may just plan to stay as/if things continue to get harder and worse. Tyler has (thankfully) been given permission from his firm to work from Michigan as long as he needs to, but he will be flying back on August 8th to finish up there (and to move the family, with the help of his parents). Julie and family are moving into the Lucken compound in the meantime, poor things.

I think that is about it. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing to help with things, or what else I am supposed to be communicating...so email me if you have any questions!