Funeral Home Days

Thank you to all of our wonderful friends and family who have come out to support us during this sad time in our lives. I wish I could say I deserved this outpouring of support, but it has been so big and so wonderful there is no way I have earned it!

I'm taking some comfort in feeling like I am representing my Dad well, in knowing that I tried my very best to give him some comfort in his last week and days, and in feeling that he really did live a very good and full life. With his crazy schedule and the many different aspects of his life, he really did pack about 110 years into his 63 years of life.

That's not really taking away my nightmares that seem to pop up every night. I keep dreaming he is dying in bed next to me, and I have been not caring for him, or he is nearly gone but alone in his suffering, or I haven't been helping him enough, and he's not safe. Once so far Bill had to have a long conversation with my sleeping self to tell me that my Dad had died, in his home in Grosse Pointe...that it had already happened and I could stop living THAT part of the nightmare. The loneliness part gets to start now.

And I do wish to say, if you haven't seen me weeping at the funeral home, and if you think that means I am not so sad...you're wrong. I just don't think my Dad would really care for that kind of a show. I save it for when the people leave, and I have a few minutes alone, thinking about what has just happened to my life.


missmissy said...

i want you to know that you are amazing - and tears in public do not equal to sadess - we all grieve in our own ways - that's what makes us each so special. i wish i could take away your nightmares - but i believe with all my heart your dad is smiling in heaven with your mom and thinking how blessed they were to have an amazing daughter named pam. i love you baby - love me

JD and Bonnie Kenewell said...

We love you so much Pam! There's no right or wrong way to deal with all of this. Whatever you do or feel is just fine! We'll see you really soon!!!