A very friendly neighbor stopped by yesterday - pulled into my driveway all in a hurry and jumped out of his car. He's not a man of great ceremony - when we first moved in and found out I liked to garden, he went home and came back almost instantly with about 30 perennials I could plant (this is before he knew my name!).
Anyway, he said he wanted to stop by because he had mentioned to his wife that he hadn't seen me clomping around in my boots, ripping up the yard, (such a lovely picture, I am such a feminine woman) and heard I "hadn't been feeling well". I replied, "I'm feeling great! I just wish I didn't have to do chemo..."
So anyway, I'm not kidding that I'm feeling great. I hauled around probably about 2 yards of mulch myself yesterday (except this time I'm not only wearing boots, hauling things, but also I have man hair, too! according to Katie); the other day I went for a walk while Emma was at soccer practice and ended up running for lots of that walk. (That's the beauty of having only one breast, and having it be entirely fake - if you aren't wearing a sports bra, it may never matter, ever again. There is absolutely no movement! So the opportunity for turning anything into a chance to go running is always there, except that I haven't done much running in the past 6 months and so am in horrible shape in that way.)
I also have taken to reminding people (well, ok, only Katie) that I don't have breast cancer anymore. She is always asking me, "Is that because you have breast cancer?" or offering me pretend cakes "because you have breast cancer". Then I tell her, "I don't have breast cancer anymore, remember? It is all gone and now I am just taking the special medicine, just to make sure." Then she said something totally adorable which I wish I remembered...she was going to give me a cake because of the chemotherapy, but she didn't know the word and called it something like "chino-ippy". I just love that girl, and hope she really is as cool about this whole thing as she seems.
4/30/08
I'm sure any readers here are tired of hearing me be so melodramatic about things, and then being all fine and happy about 1 minute later. I'm personally tired of me being that way, too! (And I've been doing this my whole life...imagine Bill's precarious situation!)
So the latest is that I feel totally adjusted to my crazy short hair, whereas I was not so happy about 24 hours ago. How can a woman live her life with such dramatic transitions? I don't know! I think I am starting to see myself in a way that people have been maybe been seeing me for a long time - as an essentially positive person. Whenever anyone tells me "You are so positive! You are always smiling!" I think to myself, "That is SO not me! I'm totally negative and always frowning!" Well, I might be a bit of a contrarian, but this whole ordeal has really shown me how much I just move forward, how much I don't dwell, how much I really just want things to be good, happy, and fun.
....
And here's a little unrelated cute story about Nathan (the old playgroup friends might appreciate this!)...he's talking so much these days, and I'm so in love with it....yes I've mentioned that before. But today I was playing my iTunes library, and "Who Let the Dogs Out" came on, sending me back all the way to when Emma was much littler and our playgroup friends Mariah and Mikayla had a crazy stuffed animal dog that played that song...many, many times during playgroup! Anyway, the song came on, and I didn't know Nathan was even listening to it until he came up to me and said "So funny, Mom!" (Except the way he says it, it sounds like "Dough Bunny, Mom!") Apparently the song has universal appeal for 2 year olds - and this one told me why, today! I'm so proud of my little talker.
So the latest is that I feel totally adjusted to my crazy short hair, whereas I was not so happy about 24 hours ago. How can a woman live her life with such dramatic transitions? I don't know! I think I am starting to see myself in a way that people have been maybe been seeing me for a long time - as an essentially positive person. Whenever anyone tells me "You are so positive! You are always smiling!" I think to myself, "That is SO not me! I'm totally negative and always frowning!" Well, I might be a bit of a contrarian, but this whole ordeal has really shown me how much I just move forward, how much I don't dwell, how much I really just want things to be good, happy, and fun.
....
And here's a little unrelated cute story about Nathan (the old playgroup friends might appreciate this!)...he's talking so much these days, and I'm so in love with it....yes I've mentioned that before. But today I was playing my iTunes library, and "Who Let the Dogs Out" came on, sending me back all the way to when Emma was much littler and our playgroup friends Mariah and Mikayla had a crazy stuffed animal dog that played that song...many, many times during playgroup! Anyway, the song came on, and I didn't know Nathan was even listening to it until he came up to me and said "So funny, Mom!" (Except the way he says it, it sounds like "Dough Bunny, Mom!") Apparently the song has universal appeal for 2 year olds - and this one told me why, today! I'm so proud of my little talker.
4/29/08
Oh boy...
Katie is in full dress-up mode, playing grown-up of some profession, and she just came up to me and said, "Hello, man." I said, "Man? Oh no!!!!!" And she said, "You look different than a woman, with your shaved head. And now I will clap the 'different' signal." And she started clapping with a musical clapper thing, as if to signify to the world that her mother now looks like a man!
Pizza Hut fundraiser today
Use this coupon at Pizza Hut on Southfield Road today (and the next 3 Tuesdays)*. 20% of the profit from your order will go to our 3-day team.
Thank you and happy pizza-eating!
*How to print it: right click on the form, and it will say "print iPaper". Click on print and it will send it to your printer.
Thank you and happy pizza-eating!
*How to print it: right click on the form, and it will say "print iPaper". Click on print and it will send it to your printer.
Pictures, and beauty shop day
There are lots of fun pictures of Julie, Tyler and Natalie's visit to Michigan on their blog! Go see them!
We played "beauty shop" yesterday afternoon...I gave the girls each a pair of hair-cutting scissors and they went to town on my head! I told them that it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to use scissors on someone's hair (especially their mom's) until they had kids of their own and could do whatever they want with all that hair in the house. They were excited, but afterward Emma said, "Mom, I don't think I'll be a hairdresser. We wrecked your hair!" I assured her that it is coming out anyway in a few days...and when Bill came home he used his clippers to even the whole thing out.
I was so happy that Nathan didn't even bat an eye at the whole scenario...he usually asks "Why, Mom?" for everything, and he didn't even ask it when they cut off all my hair! Katie also seemed very at ease with the whole situation...it's amazing how some little things can drive that girl nuts but then she just rolls with the bigger stuff like it is nothing! Emma is a little upset and uncomfortable, but we've talked it through (ad nauseum, almost) and I'm hoping she'll adjust.
I'm hoping I'll adjust, too! I know lots of people who have or had this haircut and it looks adorable on them, but I'm not crazy about the look for me at all. I find it mildly entertaining that I barely need to wash it at this length, that there is no styling (like I did that anyway), and I'm embracing the opportunity to see my hair like this...but once it grows past this length (it is 3/4 inch long) I won't look back! I'm glad that instead of shaving my head bald we had beauty shop day, that I have a few days to see it like this before there is nothing left....and hoping it will help the family get used to the whole thing.
Thinking about it, I've done a lot of preparation (mental and otherwise) to get rid of this hair! Look at all these steps:
We played "beauty shop" yesterday afternoon...I gave the girls each a pair of hair-cutting scissors and they went to town on my head! I told them that it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to use scissors on someone's hair (especially their mom's) until they had kids of their own and could do whatever they want with all that hair in the house. They were excited, but afterward Emma said, "Mom, I don't think I'll be a hairdresser. We wrecked your hair!" I assured her that it is coming out anyway in a few days...and when Bill came home he used his clippers to even the whole thing out.
I was so happy that Nathan didn't even bat an eye at the whole scenario...he usually asks "Why, Mom?" for everything, and he didn't even ask it when they cut off all my hair! Katie also seemed very at ease with the whole situation...it's amazing how some little things can drive that girl nuts but then she just rolls with the bigger stuff like it is nothing! Emma is a little upset and uncomfortable, but we've talked it through (ad nauseum, almost) and I'm hoping she'll adjust.
I'm hoping I'll adjust, too! I know lots of people who have or had this haircut and it looks adorable on them, but I'm not crazy about the look for me at all. I find it mildly entertaining that I barely need to wash it at this length, that there is no styling (like I did that anyway), and I'm embracing the opportunity to see my hair like this...but once it grows past this length (it is 3/4 inch long) I won't look back! I'm glad that instead of shaving my head bald we had beauty shop day, that I have a few days to see it like this before there is nothing left....and hoping it will help the family get used to the whole thing.
Thinking about it, I've done a lot of preparation (mental and otherwise) to get rid of this hair! Look at all these steps:
- Found a wig
- Got a shorter haircut
- Had about 1 thousand conversations with the kids
- Got hats
- Got more hats
- Wore them around
- After chemo, chopped own hair again
- Started wearing baseball hat all the time
- Had beauty shop day, shorter shave
4/28/08
Who can believe it? Despite all of my concerns, my rantings, my whinings, my worryings, I've been leading a most unsedentary life. We had a great weekend - full of outside time, soccer games, projects, nature walks... And even more than that, it ends up that I am maybe 6 weeks post-mastectomy/initial reconstruction and I can lie on my side when I sleep, I don't have pain, my chest feels normal, I can lift things, I can garden, I can push around a wheelbarrow filled with all kinds of things, I've done all my training for the 3-day walk so far (though last year I didn't even sign up for the walk until the summer, so I know this isn't a big deal). What a relief!
I had tried to prepare myself for a spring and summer when I wouldn't even recognize myself, but now it looks like I'll only not recognize myself because I'll be bald...but at least I'll still be able to do just about every single thing I like to do. I'm so glad - if it is less than 6 weeks before I feel cozy in my body again I'm no longer afraid of having another expander put in when it comes time to do that in the fall. And if chemo is misery for a few days but for the other days I can do whatever I want, then I think I can handle that also. SO this year won't be a totally bad year - I will just have more hard days than usual but they aren't even the majority of the days. It seems much more possible when you know you aren't giving up everything - just maybe 25 more bad days and a head of hair.
Regarding the hair, maybe our family should go camping this summer. With this stringy blond hair of mine, I always want a shower so it doesn't feel greasy...but this summer I won't have any hair so I'll not have that to worry about. I should call Bill and tell him to schedule all the back-country camping trips he wants for this summer, fall, and next spring before my stringy hair is back!
I had tried to prepare myself for a spring and summer when I wouldn't even recognize myself, but now it looks like I'll only not recognize myself because I'll be bald...but at least I'll still be able to do just about every single thing I like to do. I'm so glad - if it is less than 6 weeks before I feel cozy in my body again I'm no longer afraid of having another expander put in when it comes time to do that in the fall. And if chemo is misery for a few days but for the other days I can do whatever I want, then I think I can handle that also. SO this year won't be a totally bad year - I will just have more hard days than usual but they aren't even the majority of the days. It seems much more possible when you know you aren't giving up everything - just maybe 25 more bad days and a head of hair.
Regarding the hair, maybe our family should go camping this summer. With this stringy blond hair of mine, I always want a shower so it doesn't feel greasy...but this summer I won't have any hair so I'll not have that to worry about. I should call Bill and tell him to schedule all the back-country camping trips he wants for this summer, fall, and next spring before my stringy hair is back!
4/25/08
I don't have anything inspiring or different to post tonight...I've mostly been so happy to be feeling good! I'm not having any more nightmares about chemo when I'm sleeping, I'm able to do what I want during the day...it's AMAZING! (The only things I'm noticing is my hair is gross, I do get that metallic taste in my mouth but it doesn't bother me, I get tired in the evening, and my mouth did have the mouth-sore side effect but gargling with baking soda and water helps quite a bit. I'm noticing a little difference in what I want to eat but not much. Just noting these things for general interest...)
I'm such a happy and active participant in my daily life, it is crazy. I cried when I got to pick up Emma from school the other day! I was so happy to be normal! (A lovely person who is also going through breast cancer and chemo summed it up in an email to me earlier today - it is just so hard to feel like you can' t even take care of your own family.) I'm totally in love with every minute of Nathan, and it is hard not to be in love, because he is finally talking all of the time and even singing in the car along to his Thomas the Train DVD! And I'm terribly indulgent of Katie wearing high heeled shoes and pink robes (and whatever she wants) as she plays outside - like she is an old-fashioned movie star waiting off-set to be filmed.
Speaking of movie stars of old, I have been thinking of them and the scarves they'd wear on their heads, the way they had their hair covered, etc. I've got a few scarves and caps to copy them, now! I also saw a picture of a retro swim cap that looks like you have a host of blue flowers on your head. Maybe being bald will be a very glamorous look, if I accessorize well. Glamorous will be a new look for me, too, but thanks to my Aunt Donna's wonderful friend Sally (and my Uncle Kevin who drove the gift over today) I have a great pink baseball hat which I love, too.
So there is nothing exciting to report, except that I love my family, I love my life in this crazy nature preserve I have here (I defy anyone to look at everything I planted last year which is now coming up, and see all these crazy animals and tell me I didn't really go to town in creating a nature preserve), and even if I am losing my hair in days I am still going to try to be so in love with everything as I am right now.
(About the only thing that would make me happier would be if I could have a giant farm like this one which I read about in Hour Magazine: http://www.sashafarm.org ... but my suburban nature preserve will do for now. We live much closer to the necessities of life here - Costco, Westborn Market, Trader Joe's and Target - very important. I do hope all the people at Westborn will be just as nice to me next week when I am bald...)
I'm such a happy and active participant in my daily life, it is crazy. I cried when I got to pick up Emma from school the other day! I was so happy to be normal! (A lovely person who is also going through breast cancer and chemo summed it up in an email to me earlier today - it is just so hard to feel like you can' t even take care of your own family.) I'm totally in love with every minute of Nathan, and it is hard not to be in love, because he is finally talking all of the time and even singing in the car along to his Thomas the Train DVD! And I'm terribly indulgent of Katie wearing high heeled shoes and pink robes (and whatever she wants) as she plays outside - like she is an old-fashioned movie star waiting off-set to be filmed.
Speaking of movie stars of old, I have been thinking of them and the scarves they'd wear on their heads, the way they had their hair covered, etc. I've got a few scarves and caps to copy them, now! I also saw a picture of a retro swim cap that looks like you have a host of blue flowers on your head. Maybe being bald will be a very glamorous look, if I accessorize well. Glamorous will be a new look for me, too, but thanks to my Aunt Donna's wonderful friend Sally (and my Uncle Kevin who drove the gift over today) I have a great pink baseball hat which I love, too.
So there is nothing exciting to report, except that I love my family, I love my life in this crazy nature preserve I have here (I defy anyone to look at everything I planted last year which is now coming up, and see all these crazy animals and tell me I didn't really go to town in creating a nature preserve), and even if I am losing my hair in days I am still going to try to be so in love with everything as I am right now.
(About the only thing that would make me happier would be if I could have a giant farm like this one which I read about in Hour Magazine: http://www.sashafarm.org ... but my suburban nature preserve will do for now. We live much closer to the necessities of life here - Costco, Westborn Market, Trader Joe's and Target - very important. I do hope all the people at Westborn will be just as nice to me next week when I am bald...)
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