I just love it when my life returns to such a state of normal that I feel like I have nothing to write on the blog! It seems now like that happens somewhere between a week to 1.5 weeks after a treatment. For about the first week I have physical reminders of the treatment (the last 2-3 days I just know about it from being a bit more tired and having a yucky, almost fuzzy taste in my mouth, so it's not bad, just a reminder). For the next .5 of a week, I shudder to think of doing it again, even though I have no physical reminders. Then, the badness fades away, like memories of childbirth just fade away, life goes back to normal, and I feel like such a regular person, doing my most regular things, albeit at a more frantic pace.
The frantic pace is due to the fact that I am overcompensating for the week I halfway miss due to chemo - and I know that I could (and maybe should) let other people just take over and help, but I can't quite do that. This is my life and I just want to live it, and if I have to cram extra work into 2 weeks so that I still feel like I own my life in the week I am having a harder time, then I will do that.
The problem is, I have a bad feeling that I am overcompensating with my children, and I don't know exactly what to think about it - is it wrong, is it right, should I stop, should I continue? Here's one example - I've lately been obsessing about having everything together for things like swim meets, birthday parties, I want to be at every activity, etc. I think I am doing this because I feel like 1) my kids have enough to worry about, if they think about it, and spend enough time with a mom who is not quite functional, so when I am able to do something for them, I really want to do it well. Also, 2) I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or to think I can't quite pull it all together because I am going through cancer treatments. I want to have everything just right to prove that I CAN do this. But worst of all, 3). In the back of my mind (and I am ashamed to admit this) I wonder how much longer I will be living and I want to do a great job while I'm here. I am trying so hard to think positively, to reshape my thinking and to make myself believe that I will live to be 90 years old...but I also want to have my bases covered just in case I fail with my goal of living to 90!
So is it wrong to be obsessed with being a (more) put-together kind of person? Am I creating unrealistic expectations for my children at a time when I should be teaching them how to be flexible and to figure some things out for themselves? (I'm mostly talking about Emma here...Katie and especially Nathan are still little enough, but they also have spent enough time with me lately that they know about all the work that goes on to make everything come out just right - Emma is at school way more and she tends to think things come together like magic.) It was always my goal to raise children who were flexible, who didn't expect I was going to do everything for them, who knew how to do things for themselves and took pride in that. I'm worried that with all my obsessing and preparing and mom-ing, I am getting away from those goals.
On top of the philosophical issues here - how much should I hold my 8.5 year old's hand through everything and how much should I expect of her to do for herself - this "put-together mom" is kind of a departure for me. In the early days of motherhood, I would meet with our playgroup friends in Plymouth for music in the park, and I remember Emma asking me if sometime we could bring a big diaper bag, filled sippy cups, and a blanket. (She was probably 4 years old at the time!) Apparently a few things shoved into a bag wasn't enough fuss for my eldest child. I HAVE pulled things together a bit more through the years, but I still had not reached the point where I really felt like a mom who was fussing over her cherished child all the time.
I am definitely fussing over my children more now...is that wrong? Is that to be expected? Is this just happening for this short period of my life - once I feel more confident that life is getting back to normal will I stop spoiling all of them? (And spoiling myself, too...because I know I am fussing because it feels good to me to be a mom.)