12/1/08

Annoying myself

I'm annoying myself by being upset about my lack of hair, yet being totally unwilling to do anything about it. Do I, or do I not have, a fully functional (and relatively expensive) wig upstairs in my closet, just begging to be worn? Do I, or do I not have, about 15-20 hats (yes, that is extravagant, but I have received lots of gifts...plus remember how I was throwing money around when I was first diagnosed?) just waiting to be worn? Yes, I do have all of these things.

YET, I INSIST on walking around with my head of nearly-no-hair, and then being upset about it, just about all the time. I hate the way I look with this hair, or lack thereof. I don't want any of the attention about how it is growing, etc. And I could do something about it, but I am refusing! I want to just smack myself...I'm acting just like my young daughters, crying about something they could so easily fix, but wanting to just cry about it without fixing the problem.

The thing is, I feel like I should be well-adjusted enough to like these hairs on my head, no matter how short they are. Every other young breast cancer survivor I know is so cute and confident with her short hair, and I am determined to be that strong, too...but failing miserably. I am absolutely convinced that I am a huge baby about this hair, and the part of me that is convinced of that is in an epic battle of wills with the part of me that just wants to look girly again.

The huge baby is winning! ARGH.

3 comments:

Tim said...

The lack of hair should not be fretted over, instead you should wear it proudly, you are in a majority and showing that you have survived the Breast Cancer is just as important. Lacking hair is nothing to be hung up on, I walked around in the earlier half of this year with Bandannas on my head to hide the lack of hair that I had, but then again I had cut it short early on so I didn't have to worrying about loosing it.
Fretting over the lack of Hair does seem childish, but you have earned the right to have a bad day and worry about this a little. It's as much a part of your life as the neropathy that I have in my Fingers and Feet.

lorib said...

ya know whats funny? i look at YOU as being one of the girls who look cute with your hair the way it is...and i feel like IM the one who looked awful with no hair. i always envied people like YOU who i thought looked so great! hmmm...why cant we see what other people see in us????

pl said...

Look mom you are pretty how ever you are! GET IT YET? ECL