Something about spending a good part of my day arranging surgeries/driving to and from dr.'s appointments, etc. just saps the energy right out of me. Yesterday I did labs and an EKG and a chest x-ray, with the requisite waiting for each stop. Today I met with my plastic surgeon to discuss my next reconstructive surgery (assuming everything goes well on Monday with my lap bso...I just like saying lap bso, I think it is funny), and set it up*. Then there was the pre-surgical phone call from anesthesiology, the shopping for the great bowel cleanse of 2008, etc. Even if one loves her doctor and nurses (and I do), all the arrangements and discussions are draining.
BUT, there are lots of good things to do when your energy has been sapped by the fact that you have to do the great bowel cleanse of 2008 (and you don't want to do it, plus I am horrified that I will have to go a whole day without real food...not to mention chocolate! I might chew off my arm with anxiety at not being able to eat chocolate). Here are the good things I did tonight: watched The Amazing Race with the husband and kids, read books with kids, played with Emma's hair (my latest craving is to do Emma's hair, because I miss my old ponytail...she doesn't mind, and in turn, she was rubbing my soft fuzzy head), and made brownies.
It ended up being such a cozy night, just what I needed. Yes, it's a boring post, but I did feel that I should record my laziness and chocolate-eating, just to keep the record straight. It's not all feats of amazing wonder around here; in fact, mostly nothing I do is amazing (except for the enormous amount of chocolate that I consume).
*If the lap bso goes well, my next surgery after that is November 7th, when I'll try again to have a tissue expander put in where my right cancerous breast once was. So a month from now, I may have two surgeries done...and only a few more to go, ha ha. (kind of ha ha, kind of sick of it all...but I know I'm supposed to be happy to be alive and moving on, and I am.)
10/8/08
The return of hair...is so funny
Here are my thoughts:
Even though I don't feel that my newest almost-hairless look is cute, it seems like nothing can make me put on my fairly expensive wig. I've come to the place in my life where I feel like my bald head is my trophy. Hey, I've come a long way, and I might not be pretty, but guess what? I'm proud of my hairless existence. I've taken some hard steps to get hairless! My bald head and my difference reminds me of the strength I have found in myself and I like carrying that reminder of my strength with me.
At this point, wearing a wig puts me back to the girl I was before cancer, and I don't need to be her right now. I feel new and improved. Yes, I'll be glad to have some hair back, but I'm totally ok with the long process of growing it back, whatever I look like in the meantime.
- Why does hair come back in areas you might not want it, first?
- You can barely see anything on my head...but my eyebrows are coming in (too thick and darker), and my eyelashes must be coming in because the hangers-on seem to be falling out...so I look more like a man like ever!
- My head is so fuzzy. I love to touch it, but it still doesn't look like anything and it is still not enough hair to prevent me from all of the scratches I seem to get on my head. I had no idea that my hair was protecting my scalp as it was, but since I've been bald I constantly have scratches and bumps all over my head (from the yard, from wrestling with kids, from running around the house and bumping into things, etc.). Thank your hair for all the work it does for you! (Or maybe I should just be more careful...)
- My hair is now coming in darker...not a surprise as the only way it stayed blonde for all these years was due to all the hours in the sun...and it's fall now with its days of less sun. So maybe as I try new hairstyles as this hair grows in, I'll also have a whole new color too!
Even though I don't feel that my newest almost-hairless look is cute, it seems like nothing can make me put on my fairly expensive wig. I've come to the place in my life where I feel like my bald head is my trophy. Hey, I've come a long way, and I might not be pretty, but guess what? I'm proud of my hairless existence. I've taken some hard steps to get hairless! My bald head and my difference reminds me of the strength I have found in myself and I like carrying that reminder of my strength with me.
At this point, wearing a wig puts me back to the girl I was before cancer, and I don't need to be her right now. I feel new and improved. Yes, I'll be glad to have some hair back, but I'm totally ok with the long process of growing it back, whatever I look like in the meantime.
10/7/08
Logistics of upcoming surgery
Now here is where the blog comes in very handy for dissemination of information!
I am having my oophorectomy on Monday, October 13th...this is the surgery where they take out my ovaries and fallopian tubes. Because my BRCA1 gene is defective, I have a higher risk at developing ovarian cancer so I want to reduce that risk as much as possible...removing the ovaries and tubes should help with that.
(A short aside, I'm so lucky I have all these 3 kids at the age of 35...it makes the choice to have this done now so much easier. Plus I am no longer worried about menopause because I've had chemo-induced menopause for months and it's only slightly annoying.)
SO, to prepare for surgery, I have to do a full scale bowel prep - all liquid diet the Sunday before, plus a little regimen which involves 2 Dulcolax tablets at 10am, starting at 1pm drinking 8 oz of a Miralax/Gatorade mixture every 15 minutes until the mix is gone, and then two more tablets at 5pm. So Sunday I will be in the bathroom all day!
The bowel prep is to make sure I am totally cleaned out in case this lap bso (laparascopic bilateral salpingo oophorectomy) becomes something more elaborate, like an open surgery. This would happen if 1) SCARY! They find cancer and need to clean me out and do staging, etc. or 2) I have too much scarring from my 2 c-sections to do the bso laparascopically.
A lap bso means an overnight in the hospital and about 2 weeks of recovery. An open surgery means 1) SCARY! I will be losing my mind with sadness over a new cancer, and/or 2) It will be like recovering from another c-section, except I won't have to be breastfeeding a new child at the same time. 3-5 days in the hospital and 6 weeks recovery with the open surgery.
We won't know until I get out of surgery which one I had...they expect to do the lap bso but then do what they need to do as the circumstance presents itself.
So, for all of my kind friends who have offered to help, I do have things situated pretty well for a 2 week recovery period...it helps that both girls can take buses both ways to school this fall as opposed to last spring where Katie needed a pick-up and Emma needed rides both ways. Our soccer carpool buddy is stepping up to do Monday and Wednesday rides for Emma, and Bill can do Emma's Friday pickup. My sister Amy is coming in (AGAIN! love her) to hold down the fort, do Nathan duty, and be there for the bus for the first week. Our soccer/Brownie moms have come to the rescue with some meals for next week!
We will keep everyone posted on how the surgery goes, and if things do end up being crazy, we may send out the very lovely request for help on our lotsahelpinghands.com webpage.
Until then, I'll be busy getting everyone ready for mom to be on a cancer vacation again...it started today with 3 hours of waiting for lab work, an EKG, and a chest x-ray! Tomorrow I go back to my plastic surgeon to talk about my NEXT surgery, and when (if things go well with this one) that might be. Lori said it right, being a cancer patient can be a full-time job!
I am having my oophorectomy on Monday, October 13th...this is the surgery where they take out my ovaries and fallopian tubes. Because my BRCA1 gene is defective, I have a higher risk at developing ovarian cancer so I want to reduce that risk as much as possible...removing the ovaries and tubes should help with that.
(A short aside, I'm so lucky I have all these 3 kids at the age of 35...it makes the choice to have this done now so much easier. Plus I am no longer worried about menopause because I've had chemo-induced menopause for months and it's only slightly annoying.)
SO, to prepare for surgery, I have to do a full scale bowel prep - all liquid diet the Sunday before, plus a little regimen which involves 2 Dulcolax tablets at 10am, starting at 1pm drinking 8 oz of a Miralax/Gatorade mixture every 15 minutes until the mix is gone, and then two more tablets at 5pm. So Sunday I will be in the bathroom all day!
The bowel prep is to make sure I am totally cleaned out in case this lap bso (laparascopic bilateral salpingo oophorectomy) becomes something more elaborate, like an open surgery. This would happen if 1) SCARY! They find cancer and need to clean me out and do staging, etc. or 2) I have too much scarring from my 2 c-sections to do the bso laparascopically.
A lap bso means an overnight in the hospital and about 2 weeks of recovery. An open surgery means 1) SCARY! I will be losing my mind with sadness over a new cancer, and/or 2) It will be like recovering from another c-section, except I won't have to be breastfeeding a new child at the same time. 3-5 days in the hospital and 6 weeks recovery with the open surgery.
We won't know until I get out of surgery which one I had...they expect to do the lap bso but then do what they need to do as the circumstance presents itself.
So, for all of my kind friends who have offered to help, I do have things situated pretty well for a 2 week recovery period...it helps that both girls can take buses both ways to school this fall as opposed to last spring where Katie needed a pick-up and Emma needed rides both ways. Our soccer carpool buddy is stepping up to do Monday and Wednesday rides for Emma, and Bill can do Emma's Friday pickup. My sister Amy is coming in (AGAIN! love her) to hold down the fort, do Nathan duty, and be there for the bus for the first week. Our soccer/Brownie moms have come to the rescue with some meals for next week!
We will keep everyone posted on how the surgery goes, and if things do end up being crazy, we may send out the very lovely request for help on our lotsahelpinghands.com webpage.
Until then, I'll be busy getting everyone ready for mom to be on a cancer vacation again...it started today with 3 hours of waiting for lab work, an EKG, and a chest x-ray! Tomorrow I go back to my plastic surgeon to talk about my NEXT surgery, and when (if things go well with this one) that might be. Lori said it right, being a cancer patient can be a full-time job!
10/5/08
I think I just kicked some serious butt...
One day, when I was working in the rowing office at the University of Michigan (long after my rowing career was finished), I said something to the coaches, that someday I would like to kick ass at SOMEthing. My former coach (and subsequent boss at UM) said something to the effect of "Oh, PC, you could kick some serious butt if you wanted to." I was dubious at the time...enmeshed in motherhood and stuff like that.
But suddenly, about 9 weeks post-chemo, I am having a problem with a significant post-chemo side effect. I have too much energy - like crazy, crazy energy. Such crazy energy that when I came home from a run yesterday, I made my whole family line up in front of my house to watch how fast I can run! They lined up chairs on our hill and I did sprints back and forth in front of the house. (Not many, but still. I have lost my mind with energy.) I'm running through parking lots, and when I ran up to the doors of Emma's school the other day, the office helper asked for my i.d. - like I was a terrorist coming to destroy the school! I guess they aren't used to bald women running up to the front doors of school everyday. People have been asking me if they can help me with something, because it must always look like something is wrong!
No nothing is wrong...it's just that I've spent the last 7 months going through breast cancer treatment. I'm so used to working so hard to heal, that when there is no healing that needs to be done, I can't slow down to anything slower than a mild trot. I'm actually looking forward to my oophorectomy in about a week...I'll be able to put all of my extra energy to good use, healing from having my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed. Until then, I just know I'm going to keep waking up each day with more sore muscles - from running, impromtu dance parties, Tae Bo kicks while I wait at the bus stop, wrestling with my children - but my body is used to such extraneous effort that it is begging me to do these things (and make a fool of myself, wherever I am, apparently).
As I learn to deal with this somewhat explosive power chemo has unleashed in me, I guess my old coach WAS right. I could kick some serious butt, if I wanted to - I think I may have kicked chemo's butt (or maybe my own, while I was going through chemo). It's good to know I've fulfilled that wish...
But suddenly, about 9 weeks post-chemo, I am having a problem with a significant post-chemo side effect. I have too much energy - like crazy, crazy energy. Such crazy energy that when I came home from a run yesterday, I made my whole family line up in front of my house to watch how fast I can run! They lined up chairs on our hill and I did sprints back and forth in front of the house. (Not many, but still. I have lost my mind with energy.) I'm running through parking lots, and when I ran up to the doors of Emma's school the other day, the office helper asked for my i.d. - like I was a terrorist coming to destroy the school! I guess they aren't used to bald women running up to the front doors of school everyday. People have been asking me if they can help me with something, because it must always look like something is wrong!
No nothing is wrong...it's just that I've spent the last 7 months going through breast cancer treatment. I'm so used to working so hard to heal, that when there is no healing that needs to be done, I can't slow down to anything slower than a mild trot. I'm actually looking forward to my oophorectomy in about a week...I'll be able to put all of my extra energy to good use, healing from having my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed. Until then, I just know I'm going to keep waking up each day with more sore muscles - from running, impromtu dance parties, Tae Bo kicks while I wait at the bus stop, wrestling with my children - but my body is used to such extraneous effort that it is begging me to do these things (and make a fool of myself, wherever I am, apparently).
As I learn to deal with this somewhat explosive power chemo has unleashed in me, I guess my old coach WAS right. I could kick some serious butt, if I wanted to - I think I may have kicked chemo's butt (or maybe my own, while I was going through chemo). It's good to know I've fulfilled that wish...
10/3/08
Answer a 5 question survey, fight for the cure
For every completed survey (only 5 questions), Purina will donate $1 to Susan G. Komen for the Cure...
http://www.catchow.com/pink
(Thanks, Therese, for sending this on!!!!)
http://www.catchow.com/pink
(Thanks, Therese, for sending this on!!!!)
10/2/08
Last chance to give me $5 (but for another cause)!!!
Ha ha!
Seriously, my family and I are walking in the Down Syndrome Guild of Southeast Michigan's Annual Buddy Walk this Saturday...
We can't wait to show our support for my friend Laura ("MOM! There's a present on the porch, your friend Laura must have stopped by!") and her daughter Annie, though Emma wishes it was a much further walk than just one mile!
If you would like to donate, here's your chance!
Seriously, my family and I are walking in the Down Syndrome Guild of Southeast Michigan's Annual Buddy Walk this Saturday...
We can't wait to show our support for my friend Laura ("MOM! There's a present on the porch, your friend Laura must have stopped by!") and her daughter Annie, though Emma wishes it was a much further walk than just one mile!
If you would like to donate, here's your chance!
10/1/08
More of Emma's opinions about her mom
I found this writing exercise in Emma's take-home school folder:
"I wish more people cared like my mom. My mom is more helpful than you think. She cares for my brother because she helps him eat and go to school and stay clean. She cares for my sister to go to the bus and eat and get dressed and go to school. She cares for my pets by cleaning thier cages and feeding them. She cares for my dad by doing work. My mom cares for me by helping do my homework and feed me and buy me things I need like clothes. My mom is so kind and cares for me so much. In my mom's free time she likes to garden and walk. She is doing the three day tomorrow! I wish people cared like my mom, then the world would be a much better place."
I have some thoughts about this:
"I wish more people cared like my mom. My mom is more helpful than you think. She cares for my brother because she helps him eat and go to school and stay clean. She cares for my sister to go to the bus and eat and get dressed and go to school. She cares for my pets by cleaning thier cages and feeding them. She cares for my dad by doing work. My mom cares for me by helping do my homework and feed me and buy me things I need like clothes. My mom is so kind and cares for me so much. In my mom's free time she likes to garden and walk. She is doing the three day tomorrow! I wish people cared like my mom, then the world would be a much better place."
I have some thoughts about this:
- It pretty much describes my day exactly the way I did about a week ago!
- "My mom is more helpful than you think." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So funny, I didn't know people thought I was not helpful (esp. Emma)!
- See how proud your girls will be if you walk the 3 day?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
