Writing helps, but I can barely write as I'm frustrated with my chemo brain. I feel a little bit like I have ADD - I want to keep plugging along at one thing but then something distracts me. With my writing, I can't get to the nice tidy place where all my thoughts are complete and concise. It doesn't help that the computer is in the same room with 4 kids, the UM game on TV, I'm thinking about where the puppy and pets are, and my husband keeps checking on me - "Are you ok? Are you ok?" I had a pretty good-sized breakdown two nights ago (lots of crying - probably more than I've done this whole 9 months together), so I have a feeling he's not going to leave me alone for a while. I'm also not getting any quiet time until I have this surgery, so I either have to perform in the midst of the chaos, or look forward to the surgery!
It's pretty crazy if you look forward to getting to the hospital, to anesthesia, and even to the pain that comes afterwards because it at least gives your poor addled brain - and your motherhood - a rest. With the craziness of this year, though, that's about the best rest I'm going to get! Anyway, I'm looking more on the bright side today. Here's a few quick positive thoughts, to keep it going, and get them off my mind:
- I can't really help that I have the BRCA1 mutation, or that I had breast cancer, or that I have elevated risks of all sorts of cancers for the rest of my life. The only thing I can change is how I use my time while I have it, and how I embrace challenges. If I have a shorter time, or more health issues, I want to at least be able to say I have taken as much happiness as I could have. Focusing on how much things suck doesn't accomplish that.
- It's normal to cry, to be mad...and I'm glad I did write about it so that I'll remember those emotions someday. I will probably meet someone else going through these challenges down the road, and with my propensity to move on and never look back, if I don't have a record of having had some issues with this challenge I might not be the best supporter for the next woman facing bc, or brca mutations, etc.
- Of course I should miss how easy things were before - getting dressed without fiddling with breast forms, having hair, not worrying about surgeries, pain, cancers coming back. I was jealous of all the moms rushing around for Halloween who don't have these worries, jealous of the me I was only last year. That's ok, I'm not going to beat myself up for it. I also remember that I didn't find my life particularly easy last year, either...I didn't know how lucky I was. I think it is human nature to rise to the occasion, though, and I have risen this year! As a result, I don't normally find things harder than I thought they were before all of this.