Last night, after I had put all the Halloween costumes in school bags and had everything organized for today (things for class parties, trick-or-treating, etc.) I went for a run. It took only a few minutes of quiet, away from the bustle of Halloween prep, puppy watching, driving kids, and worrying about my mother-in-law who was at our house recovering from her first round of chemo when I realized - "Holy *&^%, I'm about to have my chest sliced open again." It wasn't a pleasant realization.
There is something about having done this particular surgery before, and the fact that there is no actual cancer to get out, that is making me really upset about what is to come. I'm not happy about the drains, and the pain, and the constipation from surgery, and being so out of it for all of those days (I can't even remember the days after my mastectomy...I guess I should read about it here in my blog).
I'm also becoming violently angry at my breast surgeon, for telling me I should have seen a radiation oncologist now, 7.5 months later, when she SO CLEARLY told me I would not need to see one. I'm pissed off that I am scheduled for surgery, checked in, have spoken with registration and the anesthesia department, and on Monday I could get a recommendation that means I should not even have this surgery (which I don't even want).
So I am afraid, and I'm tired of surgeries, and maybe I shouldn't even have this one, what if I need radiation? BUT, I am SO TIRED of my f-ing breast form. I am tired of these mastectomy bras. I am tired of all of this stuff, and I just want to get through it as soon as I can. I'm never going to want or actually need to do this surgery, so I might as well get it done while I already look like shit and cancer is affecting my whole life. Also, even if I need to do radiation, which I won't know for a while, I refuse to not try for the implants again. There is risk of failure of the implant if I am radiated on that side, but I'd rather take that risk than decide right away for a tram- or lat-flap breast. If I am freaking out about a 5 cm incision on my right side, how much worse would a tram flap or a lat flap breast be! Horrible.
I know there are so many more important things to think about - how lucky I am that I am alive! How lucky I am that my prognosis is good! How fun everything can be! But for once I just can't get up for those things. For once I am feeling terribly unlucky, because so many other people don't have to deal with all this crap. I know I used to be a parent who was thinking about trick-or-treating and whatever else, the daily annoyances of stay-at-home motherhood, but now every other thing takes a backburner to me getting my family through yet another sucky thing with minimal impact on them. And I know I shouldn't be, but I'm just a little bit bitter and on edge.