Yesterday I asked Bill, the person who works everyday to provide for me and our children, "What do you think would be the best use of my time when Nathan is in preschool (now that appointments, or getting ready for health things, or healing itself, aren't my first priorities)?" I'm constantly asking him what I should do with the rest of my life once the children are safely ensconced in school, how can I start providing for the family, what projects should I undertake to make the house better, etc. I also wondered if I should spend more time volunteering at the school, or is there something else I should be doing? Isn't it a waste of time for me to spend that time at the gym?
He told me that going to the gym would be the best use of my time. Which was really what I wanted to hear, because, as Emma believes, "Mom would exercise all day if she could". Now, I know I don't LOOK like I would do that if I could...but that is because I would also eat chocolate and ice cream and cereal all day if I could, too. ESPECIALLY after spending time exercising.
- And while we are on this topic, let me just take you aside and ask you...why should I exercise if then I need to eat two lunches? Wouldn't it be better for me to just not exercise, and not eat two lunches? And plus, the harder I exercise, the more I need to sleep! So it ends up that my whole life, if it could be, would just be like it used to be at cross country camp or during winter training in Tampa for crew - eat, sleep, and exercise. And I would be happy...that might be weird, but I think some people are just wired that way. Maybe some people are wired to not eat all the time *not me, or they are wired to sit and knit *not me, or they are wired to spend their time intellectually pursuing various topics and discussing them with vigor *not me. I just like to move. Well, either to move, or to eat, or to sleep. If I ate or slept less, then I would maybe look like I ever exercised.
Anyway, back on topic. Bill gave me permission to go to the gym and NOT feel guilty about it, and something about that clicked. HE REALLY WANTS TO KEEP ME AROUND. He thinks I should go to the gym because that is something that has shown positive effects on breast cancer not recurring. And also, because he loves me, he isn't telling me to exercise (because then I wouldn't)...he is just quietly supporting me when I do.
HE REALLY WANTS TO KEEP ME AROUND. All of those vitamins he doles out for me, everyday, all of that research, all of the people he contacts with questions about breast cancer research...I knew he was doing it for me, but somehow it was just when he told me that no, I don't have to clean the house (he never tells me to clean the house), no, it wouldn't be better for me to spend that time with the kids at school (I would probably do that if he thought I should), and yes, I can go to the gym if I want to that it really hit home.
I have been married to Bill for almost 10 years, and with him for over 16. He would have said the same thing to me any time over those years...it was my ears that weren't hearing it. My brain has constantly been telling me I need to be doing something else, making a difference somewhere else besides just internally in my own body. I feel so lucky that he did not give up on me somewhere during these 16 years, that he KEPT telling me nice things about myself when I didn't believe them, that he kept telling me I could do things for myself first until the time finally came when I heard him.
I hope I can be as good to him.