Intrusion

Let me just say, this happens EVERY TIME - before a treatment, before surgery, before anything big and annoying - I get upset, I resent the intrusion into my non-cancer life, my little ordered world where I was in control and happily humming along, and I blow up. How dare you come into my happy little world where I am a regular person, doing regular things again, and make me think about the fact that I had cancer (or could get it again, which is worse - the possibility)?

The more I contemplate, the more I am sure it is this anxiety that blew into Pam this week and shoved me down into depression world. I did not want to make time for anything cancer related, again, and had to - a fill at the plastic surgeon's office, bloodwork for my Zometa treatment on Monday, finding a babysitter for that treatment, figuring out rides for kids on Thursday and Friday next week because of my surgery (which I still have to do), sitting down to watch a stupid 20 minute video about anesthesia (great if you haven't already had 4 similar procedures in the past 10 months, annoying if you have), thinking that if I don't run today, I'm sure going to miss it for the next 4 weeks when I can't run, realizing I have just a week left before I have to be out of things again.

Oh how I hate this stuff coming back into my life again, just as I am feeling like it was a million years ago! And oh, how it doesn't matter that this is the last reconstruction (hopefully) for a long while, that it is the last monthly Zometa treatment for 3 months, that it is the last fill ever, that it is the last time I have to give up running or erging for a month (not like I am doing this all the time, but it is my safety net - I like knowing I CAN do those things if depression rears it's ugly head. I panic thinking those things are off limits.) It also doesn't seem to make a difference that I have an awesome vacation planned, will be able to buy a real bra, stop needing to worry when clothes shopping if something reveals my port, or a lopsided breast, or anything. I just hate it coming back, and can't see past to the good stuff.

But, as I said, this frustration, or anxiety, happens every time before a surgery or treatment, like clockwork. You would think I could plan for it and adjust, but I always forget it happens until it does. So then it happens, and I'm miserable, and then I realize "oh, THIS is why I'm miserable". And I'm glad to have that reason for my misery, to see the pattern, because I know what happens next and it is easier. Following the misery, I can move into total preparation mode and become that patient again. Again, let's put away regular Pam for awhile and bring back cancer Pam. It's so hard to do that, but once it happens, I'm ready to get back at it.