I have to say, that going through chemotherapy is quite a roller coaster ride. It is hard to imagine feeling worse, and I was so sad that I have to do it again...but at the same time, when I start to feel better again it is like I am totally amazed and in love with everything! It feels like I have almost died and then I get another chance, and look at how beautiful everything is!
I spent Wednesday night NOT putting Katie and Nathan to bed, and we ran around the house and wrestled until we were exhausted...it was so crazy, and so fun, and I caught myself laughing at Nathan in a way that I almost never laugh - where you totally lose control of yourself with giggling. Earlier on Wednesday, as I was catching up on things with a trip to Target, I was walking around in wonder, thinking "Target is so beautiful!" So how is that for a roller coaster? I have never had the experience of doing drugs and so am a total innocent in how that makes one feel, but between the crazy visions during acupuncture and my almost insane fascination with the beauty of life now, and the horrible depression after chemo - I feel like I have been using drugs heavily this week!
I did stop by both girls' Field Days today, and I have to say that I was a little nervous to go. I am self conscious about being bald, and "who is going to look at me and feel sorry for me", and "is it just too weird for other people if I come?" But yesterday I received two nice presents out of the blue, and thinking about these people, in the middle of their busy lives, thinking about me, made me feel like maybe it wouldn't be too weird if I showed up. (I'm going to write more about one of these gifts in another post, because it was so interesting.)
Anyway, one of the presents was a pendant from Chris, a mom at Emma's school. It is a circle that says "Friends, Faith, Family". I looked at it, and thought about how much it would mean to my daughters if I showed up and surprised them - family. Then I thought about how so many people have been supporting me through all of this - friends. And one of my latest goals is to try to be open to whatever God is trying to teach me in my life - faith. So I held the pendant in my hand as I walked into the school today, and it gave me strength. Thanks, Chris!
I only needed to hold onto the pendant on the drive to school and for the first few minutes, because everyone I spoke with today was so kind, and so friendly. I am so lucky to live in this community, with these people (at both schools)! If anyone has any doubt about all the goodness in the world, let me just tell you - people only need the slightest reason to show compassion and love, and they will spill all over with it! I was floored by how comfortable it was to talk with everyone I spoke with today, and I wish I could thank each of them (but that would be weird - "Thank you for talking with me today! I loved the moment we had to chat...thanks for making me feel normal and not like the alien I sometimes feel I have become.)
If I could do anything intensely magical for anyone reading this - friends, family, strangers - I would just give them a window into what it feels like to know that people really ARE so good and caring. If I could make all of you bald and insecure for just one minute (because I wouldn't want you to have to go through it for longer, though I am sure you would do well as there is no other option but than to deal, and deal well) and to have you walk into a place and realize that people just want to be nice to you. I know that people are not nice to me because it is ME - I think they would be as nice to anyone in my circumstance. I think this virtue, this kindness, is a part of human nature. We really don't want to see another person suffering, we want to make things easier for others.
I have to say that I felt lucky to be me today...to have such concrete evidence that people are so good and kind! I have a feeling that I'll forget all of this happiness when I am going through the hard days of the next round of chemo. At least for these next two weeks I know I don't have to be afraid of doing it again, though - there is always this time of goodness and light that returns on the other side which is pretty precious.