Is it possible to be two people in one body? Right now, I feel like I am two people, and one of those girls is feeling good (though she is probably a little naive) and the other girl is freaking out. Surprisingly enough, the girl who has the disease is feeling fine...it's regular Pam who is having a little fit.
I bet you could imagine why...regular Pam has been around for quite a while, and she is used to things being a certain way. Then disease Pam walks in, with her sunshiney "let's make this day count" mentality. For a while, regular Pam likes the diversion and likes the new lifestyle - "there's more time for me! I feel so healthy! I'm not worrying about things as much at all with this new girl around!" But after a while, regular Pam starts to feel like she's been upstaged, she's been doing just fine without this interloper, who does she think she is, barging in here and changing everything?
The thing is, regular Pam might not be long for this world. I'm not saying that Pam in general is going anywhere...I'm just saying that my life is being changed forever by this journey. Right now I look the same and regular Pam can fit in just as she always did, I can do all the same things, act the same way, have the same conversations, run the same schedule, like the same things. But in just a few short days, everything starts and that will leave me with scars and directions to follow for the rest of my life. Disease Pam is fine with that. There is a part of me that never needed to fit in, and has always been self-sufficient and enjoyed feeling different or just like myself (maybe that Pam is the one that is coming out more now, so maybe she is not really disease Pam, but just Real Pam, and the other one is more like Normal Pam).
Normal Pam is just upset that she can't be like everyone else anymore, or slide in invisibly everywhere like she used to. She doesn't like the attention, the extra care that even she will have to take of herself. She's the one who is afraid of the effects of surgery, chemo, and all that. Real Pam kind of thinks of things as a bit of a science experiment - how often have I had the chance to be in an operating room, getting all these injections, being cut open, having weird things put in my body, seeing myself with no hair, meeting all these new people, seeing how I do with fear, with pain, with bad news, sad stories, with change? It should be all new and something to see.
So I suppose on Tuesday, I'll be losing Normal Pam for a while...but I am starting to feel like that is ok. She is a little bit boring, a little too much of a rule-follower, a little too led by what is going on around her. It will probably be a much more interesting life with Real Pam around, anyway. I'll just tell myself that!