3/26/08

A bad patient and a neurotic mother

I had a little crying fest last night, was mean to my husband, told him my children were beasts, cried myself to sleep because my chest hurts and I don't like sleeping on my back, and I was tired and worked-up. So people, stop saying I'm being brave, because I really can be just as big of a baby as the next person!
I'm a bad patient, especially with Bill back at work this week. For some reason, I cannot relax unless he is home - I cannot turn off the parenting reflex enough to take a nap, or not put that away, or lie around when children are physically or emotionally abusing their siblings! If he is here, I don't have a problem letting him be the parent while I relax...and I don't have a problem telling him what to do for me (poor man). I'm not as comfortable telling other people what to do, even if it is my most wonderful mother-in-law or my eager and kind stepmother. Plus, it is spring break so if one child is gone, the other two are here, and Nathan is always here (and he is either on the verge of dropping the nap forever or already has...he especially won't nap with all the activity around the house).
Bill has to be back at work - he took off too many days already and at a point in his career when he is busier than ever. Of course I know I have plenty of helpers, but I was mad last night that it wasn't him and so I yelled at him and told him he was abandoning me! Nasty woman. I sound exactly like Emma these days, because she wants things to be like they always were with me doing everything, and no other people around, even if they are our beloved family members! I barely let them go in anyone else's car before this! They've slept over at grandma's house maybe three times. We've taken them on every vacation (this year we branched out with a 1.5 day trip to Charleston with no kids.) I think they have had maybe 2 babysitters in their lives who were not our immediate family members! I know I am neurotic from not having a mom for so many years, or more likely neurotic that something will happen when they are away from me and I won't be able to save them. I've mentioned that my greatest fear is not dying, but losing another family member. It is going to be good to learn how to let them go and do things and not have me be a parent 24 hours a day, but it feels almost as hard as going into surgery.
BUT, Bill did swoop in and save things. He called his amazing mother who came over, picked up the kids and took them away for the day. He called the surgeon's office and canceled the appointment (can't get a drain out if it is draining MORE). He came home in time for dinner (it was so delicious - thank you Brady family!). I slept ALL day, and the drain did better.
And hopefully I will do better learning how to let go of my children more so that I can heal!
THANK YOU TO SYBIL, who is always our savior.

1 comment:

amk said...

This was the place I was in on Saturday, March 1. I was able to call YOU though, and you sweppt in to save the day, simply by your presence. I wish I could do the same for you.