3/11/08

Random thoughts

  • Most of the time, I feel like I just have a bunch of little cells in me that went under the radar, went crazy, and need to be eradicated before they have too big of a party in my body.
  • Sometimes, though, I feel like I am facing a menacing giant (which is my mortality), and I am most definitely afraid. I'm trying my hardest to not let the giant know that I'm afraid, though, while I rifle through my bag for the best rock I can find, and hope that I have the aim of David.
  • It is amazing how close fear can be to ferocity.
  • This week, it is like I am rowing my way up to the starting line of the big race. Have I prepared enough? Am I going to be good enough, strong enough, brave enough? I recognize this feeling, though, this nervousness. Right now I just give myself little pep talks like I did before seat racing and remember this is the hardest part, just before all the craziness begins. Right now, it is all anticipation, which is worse. But soon I'll be in the race, which is easier in some ways. I remember during races, I would wait for the pain to start, and then I would welcome it - "well here you are". At least when this pain comes I'll know what I'm up against and I can show myself what I have in me that day!
  • Emma is afraid, and I am sad for her. At the start of this, Bill said "This will be hard, and it will change all of us. We would never have wanted this to happen, of course, but some of those changes are going to be for the better, and we are going to come out of this a stronger, more loving family." I'm sure he's right, but I did really want a very normal and secure childhood for my children, and this doesn't feel normal or secure. I'm just so ready for the bad stuff to start so that I can try my hardest to make this as good as it can be for her (for all of them). I've been trying all along since the diagnosis, but it feels so fake to me - like of course I can try now, I feel great, and we are surrounded by kind, loving and generous people! My future, more sick self is taunting my present, totally healthy-feeling self - "just wait until it gets really bad, and then see how tough you really are, you faker!"
  • I just can't wait to see how I do.

1 comment:

Who is John Galt? said...

You will get through this the same way you attack everything you set your mind to. I am actually afraid for the cancer once you get through destroying it. It will fear you and decide it better find someone else to go after.