I've decided to keep writing this blog, but with more of an emphasis on privacy (with regard to other people). Also, I'd like to warn people to read at their own risk (or stop reading entirely)! I'm not a perfect person, not a particularly unique person, and sometimes a downright idiot. I'm going to continue to do stupid things throughout my entire life, hopefully learning all along and making better choices after my mistakes. If I wasn't such a fireball of emotion and energy, and if I was less impetuous I am sure I would lead a much easier life, but alas, I'm not, so I will just have to do my best to make up for my terrible character flaws in other ways. I'm sure I must have a few good qualities and will just have to figure those out and use them to make up for my asinine qualities.

Also, the fact of the matter is that my life is changing back to what it was before, slowly. Eventually what I put here is not going to make people worry or sad, or even interesting. It's going to be boring, and so I'll lose readers for just that reason. Yes, I have some surgeries and endless doctor appointments, but those have become pretty routine for me by now. Yes, I am going to live with cancer for the rest of my life (hopefully not with a recurrence, but I doubt the fear of that will ever go away). I've gotten to the place where generally I am ok with that.

Cancer is not as scary a word anymore for me....and this is cliche, but I am more concerned with finding joy and living well than worrying about my cancer coming back. It seems to me like you are given at least once choice when you have cancer - and that is whether you are going to let it take your life away, or whether you are going to let it change your life for the better. I'm going for the latter option. Even if it kills me someday, I want to know that I did everything I could to make my family and myself happy and brave in the process (and if I can help one other person besides my little family in this, it is also worth it to keep this blog going).

So I said a really stupid thing 3 years ago, but that was a girl who was a relatively new and overworked mom of 3 small children, and certainly not a person who was actively trying to find the good in the world instead of dealing in mostly minutia. I was just trying to get by, to love my children, until I could go do something to better myself. Now I realize I am supposed to find ways to better myself now, to find that joy now, to take what has been given to me and to capitalize on it. No, I don't yet have that career I have always wanted to have, but there are opportunities everyday to do something meaningful if you look for them.

I try to let comments just slip past me without getting too worked up about them now...or I just find them amusing. I remember when so many things seemed worth my emotional concern and effort, but now I basically feel like I have only one main emotional concern and effort, and that is doing everything I can to stay alive and love my family and see them all grow up and have happy lives. If someone says something that might have annoyed me in the past, it probably would amuse me now and even make me love them more for being so cute and wrapped up in smaller issues. I would even be glad for them that they didn't have to save up all of their energy and emotion and luck for one big thing like me - that my cancer won't come back.

So if you are still with me after this long diatribe, know that I'm nothing special, often rotten like a tomato in my garden that got frozen and rotted before it's time. Somehow I just got lucky to find a husband who loves me despite my many terrible faults, and kids who are the same. Tonight E wanted to email my poor maligned friend to tell her how sorry her mom was (because I tried to use my mistake as an example of a horrible thing a person can do, and how wrong that was)!

OK, bedtime. Let's hope I don't waste another day mostly in misery, as I have two doctor's appointments for myself, with S's chemo sandwiched between them. I'm going to be at the Rose Cancer Center off and on for about 6 hours tomorrow!

1 comment:

Tim said...

Finding strength in your world of Cancer Survival is something that comes in small steps. Getting upset and being emotional is just a part of the whole Cancer Survival too, Yes!, I'll admit being a Male and having to live up to the Macho Image of not crying or tearing up, has been blown completely out of the water and I do get teary eyed at times and I'll admit to not being able to keep my composure and letting it out.
My survival has been an experience also, we both know that each day holds something new for us to find and/or experience and being able to pass along some of our wisdom to others helps to educate and pass along the knowledge we've gained in the process.
I'll keep reading your blog, even if it gets "boring" knowing that you're still here and typing away, will give me a smile. Don't stop now, you have come along way from where you started. The stories of your trials an tribulations are good medicine, since they help keep me grounded in my own determination to continue on.