Hating myself

When I started this blog, I started it with a few ideas:
  1. Writing helps me to think through bigger issues which I otherwise might just bury and leave until they rot. I needed to get down to business and process a lot of thoughts, so I started writing.
  2. I couldn't stand calling people and explaining all of the stuff that was happening to me - I hate the phone, and even more, I hate going through my feelings (thus the writing to get over them). I couldn't take talking about my feelings OVER and OVER again, as I would have to in order to inform interested parties in our situation.
  3. I like writing on the computer because I can edit my thoughts while putting them down, quickly. I like clicking on "publish post" because it makes me feel like I dealt with my thoughts, and there they go!
  4. I couldn't imagine that there would be anything wrong with sharing all of my information, because I have diarrhea of the mouth in person or on the phone (which is why I hate talking on the phone and am nervous about conversations in person, also). I couldn't imagine sharing something I wouldn't share in person, and I might even represent myself better if I was writing and editing before I click "publish post".
  5. After a while, people told me that the blog helped, so I didn't mind other people reading it.

Well, I made a big mistake. There was a time when I had a private blog (private because no one knew about it, but this was about 3 years ago and I wasn't smart enough to make it entirely private, and then I forgot about it), and I wrote something which I didn't mean to me unkind...but it so comes off that way. And, as these things go, a dear, kind, wonderful friend found what I had written in this online "journal". I feel like publicly flogging myself.

I am stupid, but was probably more stupid then. By 2008 I have read enough blogs to know that people say stupid things and then they get hated for them. I couldn't imagine that I would be one of those people, not because I thought I was better, but because I thought I was invisible and unimportant and my thoughts wouldn't be found...but also because I thought I didn't ever write anything mean. Well, I thought wrong.

So anyway, I am trying to figure out what to do with my blog...and I'm not asking for advice. I'm especially not looking for consolation. About the only thing that would make me feel better would be if people wrote down everything nasty they have to say about me so that I can be punished for hurting a very dear person. One of the nicest people in the world, actually. Someone who would do anything for a friend, and who has. Someone who felt like a sister to me, so much so that I said something that only a sister would feel comfortable saying about another sister.

So I'm just here, hating myself for being stupid, again. Some things never change!