In the interest of honesty, I have to say that chemo is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Last night, as I was drifting in and out of sleep (and in and out of side effects), I found myself thinking that maybe I was the same person under all of this mess...but then I realized that this is really me - the mess. The bad stuff just comes and goes but normal me is definitely not here any more - this is all a new person with new challenges she would never have dreamt for herself in a million years.
I have even more respect for all of the people who have gone through this before me, because I am so not coping as well as I am sure they must have coped. I'm terrified of the next treatment, and then the 4 after that. Before, I was at least interested in what was going to happen as if I could observe from a distance; now, I'm having a harder time separating myself from what I am going through. I'm not at all interested in any of it, anymore. I feel like going to bed for the next 118 days and waking up when it is all over.
I remember, just a week ago, feeling sort of upbeat about things and wondering why there were t-shirts with slogans like "f*** cancer". Well, now I really know why there is anger embedded in those slogans. This treatment is horrible.
The only bright light I can see in any of this is my beautiful family...but I can't understand why this has to happen to all of them!