In the interest of honesty, I have to say that chemo is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Last night, as I was drifting in and out of sleep (and in and out of side effects), I found myself thinking that maybe I was the same person under all of this mess...but then I realized that this is really me - the mess. The bad stuff just comes and goes but normal me is definitely not here any more - this is all a new person with new challenges she would never have dreamt for herself in a million years.

I have even more respect for all of the people who have gone through this before me, because I am so not coping as well as I am sure they must have coped. I'm terrified of the next treatment, and then the 4 after that. Before, I was at least interested in what was going to happen as if I could observe from a distance; now, I'm having a harder time separating myself from what I am going through. I'm not at all interested in any of it, anymore. I feel like going to bed for the next 118 days and waking up when it is all over.

I remember, just a week ago, feeling sort of upbeat about things and wondering why there were t-shirts with slogans like "f*** cancer". Well, now I really know why there is anger embedded in those slogans. This treatment is horrible.

The only bright light I can see in any of this is my beautiful family...but I can't understand why this has to happen to all of them!


Anonymous said...

I love you!

amk said...

You may be "the mess" now, and for the next 118 days; but you will come out of this a stronger person. (Which doesn't help now, as you just want to be back to normal.) You will be equipped to support those others who have to go through what you are going through now. (All of those women who were giving you advice as late as Thursday!)
This sucks for you, and I would give almost anything to take it away.
I will always be here for you, and Matthew and I will be THERE just before the next round too.

Kendra said...

Hi! I'm praying for you! My chemo may not be as bad,but I can tell it gets me tired the first day! I usually go in upbeat and by the time I get home Im exhausted and can't keep my eyelids open! SO by the weekend Im good to go! Just know that Im thinkin' about you and stay strong!