First of all, there is no cause to worry because I'm not feeling any of the symptoms I listed last night anymore except that I get tired easily....I just wanted to make a list so that I had it together and could think of things to improve for the next time. It helps to publish it so that I'm sharing information, but also because I have so many friends and relations with experience who then share the experience with me! It also just feels official - as if, "it is published, it happened, there you have it."
Second of all, I am really thinking about the mind-body connection today. I know I had all of those side effects, but I am wondering if it was despair that was really bringing me down. That first treatment was probably the first time I felt like I really did have cancer, I think. I know that for all purposes I most likely don't have any little cancer cell in me since the surgery, but going to chemo and feeling everything made it seem more real than checking into a hospital and having parts taken away. After all, I've done that to have children before! I think part of the misery was coming to terms with the fact that I had cancer, and why me, even if it is two months after the fact.
I have to also mention that I do find myself to be exceedingly stupid sometimes (I may have mentioned this). I almost always have to actually make a mistake before I learn from something. When I first started driving I think I had almost every type of car accident before I learned all the different ways there are of being careful. Yes, most people are more highly evolved and don't learn almost exclusively from experience, like me! So, despite all the good advice, I did go into chemo without every single little thing put in order, and then I went through everything I did as I always do - just try to get through it, blindly, and hope I'll have a chance to try better next time. Now you can see why I made a list after the fact!
So, now we have two reasons why it might have not gone so well (aside from the fact that I was being poisoned as much as was possible) - despair and improper preparation. I'm preparing, but also I had a long talk with myself this morning. I told myself that yes, I did have cancer, dumb ass! Yes, it is supposed to be hard! (and here is an important part) Yes, it is ok if I'm not an A+ chemo patient, going through with flying colors and no problems and begging for more! (I went through it crying and wishing it wasn't me...not very graceful.) So I had a talk and told myself that I can and am choosing to think what I do. I can count the days until this is all over (over 5% until I'm all done), or I can work harder to find happiness each day. I'm hoping I'll do more of the latter than of the former!